Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Portland Timbers punish Real Salt Lake with confident 3-0 rout, snarktography approves

The Portland Timbers made Real Salt Lake look bad. Again. This is getting fun! On Sunday, October 21, RSL visited Providence Park and brought a whole lot of nothing with them (well, except diving and whining). The Timbers scored three goals, retained a clean sheet, and exemplified a whole load of class while doing so. (The part about class is not true according to all sources, but it is at least from the relevant ones I trust.)

The following is a collection of photographs from the match, accompanied by an attempt at stupid humor.

If you would like to read serious analysis, with even more photos, take a look at Kip Kesgard's match report.

Real Salt Lake
When done, it puts the lotion in the basket. 

david guzman, diego valeri
David Guzmán gazes wistfully at everyone else's sick boots.

kyle beckerman, diego chara,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kyle Beckerman.

real salt lake, portland timbers
"Beckerman dives all the time in practice, too. I'm sick of it!"

steve clark, liam ridgewell, zarek valentin
Steve Clark: "I made the ball go away! Is that good?"

diego valeri, joao plata, david guzman
Diego Valeri: "I saved it all up for you... and it was worth it."

david guzman, zarek valentin
Beckerman: "I'm the authority on suitable behavior."

nick rimando, diego valeri, sebastian blanco
Nick Rimando: "Why doesn't anyone carry ME like that!"

giovanni savarese
"She's the one I'm supposed to ignore, right?"

steve clark, larrys mabiala, timber joey
Larrys Mabiala: "Is he still staring at me? I'm trying to act normal but it's creeping me out."

liam ridgewell

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Portland Timbers defeat Houston Dynamo 2-1, Adi says farewell in style (photos)

Houston Dynamo visited the Portland Timbers for an exciting evening of foul collecting, with a few goals thrown in. Portland defeated Houston 2-1 at Providence Park on the hot Saturday evening of July 28. Fanendo Adi scored in his final appearance for the Timbers; I will miss his hardworking nature and lovely smile.

This is not a snarktography post. Due to some sad personal circumstances, I currently do not have the levity of spirit involved to write my usual terrible captions, but I did not want the photos to go to waste. Any caption suggestions are always more than welcome.

Check out more of my photos and Kip Kesgard's match report here.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Portland Timbers and LA Galaxy settle for one-all draw, snarktography tries somewhat

The Portland Timbers hosted the LA Galaxy to a fun foot roastin' time Saturday, June 2 at Providence Park. The opposing sides each spent so much time passing to each other, it was a miracle even a couple goals occurred. The teams ended at 1-1, and I captured some of the highlights from the gloriously sunny afternoon.

For more serious content, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Otherwise, enjoy the photos and lame humor.

Timbers Army, Providence Park
No snark. Lovely colorful pride display. My favorite flag/banner colors are pink, lavender, and blue.

Diego Chara, Perry Kitchen
"I'll try to help get this loosened up, but you'll definitely need to see your chiropractor."

Diego Valeri
Diego Valeri gently coaxes the ball to go home. It didn't go. "Are you too good for your home?!"

Sebastian Blanco
Sebastian Blanco hears the sizzle of roasting flesh as his knee touches down on the 4000 degree pitch.

Diego Valeri
Tiptoe through the turf.

Portland Timbers, LA Galaxy
"No one starts a human pyramid without me. No one."

Samuel Armenteros, Julio Cascante
Samuel Armenteros realizes he was the only one without a date to the big dance.

Diego Chara
"Get the Doc; he's crowning!"

Cristhian Paredes, Samuel Armenteros
Upon viewing the telekinesis performed in this match, the president implemented the Mutant Registration Act.

Jeff Attinella
*Somebody* was kung-fu fighting.

Previous Snarktography this season:

None for Timbers vs. LAFC; lens broke during match

None for Timbers vs. Sounders: too boring for snark

Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes

What a beautiful day at Providence Park last Sunday, April 22. The sun was shining, my bare arms blinded the first two rows of the South Deck, and the Portland Timbers earned a clean sheet against New York City FC. It was astounding, and the three goals for the home team just took it over the top. There was so much goal smoke my asthma is still making its presence known days later.

As usual, here are a few photos from the match with some attempts at humor in the captions. Click on the pics for larger format in a gallery.

For more serious coverage and additional photos, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Liam Ridgewell, Diego Valeri
Oh, my lovely Derp Derp is back. A win is assured!

Fanendo Adi, Ebenezer Ofori, Alexander Callens, Maximiliano Moralez, Ronald Matarrita

Rodney Wallace, Fanendo Adi
Fanendo Adi hears Rodney Wallace talking smack about his horsey ride. He thought they were friends.

Rodney Wallace, Alvas Powell
Surprise Purple Nurple!

Diego Chara, Rodney Wallace
I've missed that face SO MUCH.

Sebastian Blanco
Nope. Only Rod Wall can do that face right. And your eyes are closed.

Liam Ridgewell
Liam Ridgewell happily finds the snack he hid in his boot.

Larrys Mabiala, Cristhian Paredes
You all may want to look just a slight bit to your left.

Sebastian Blanco, Zarek Valentin
Sebastian Blanco has this one. You may step back.

Diego Valeri, Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
Diego Valeri sneaks away carefully.

Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
 Part one. Zarek Valentin: "So, did you hear about how they got rid of the tots?"

Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
Part two. Valentin: "No, it's cool; they're coming back!"

Portland Timbers
And the award for Best Face Plant goes to...

Larrys Mabiala

Alvas Powell
This is how I expect to be looked at. The jinx initiated last week is hereby undone.

Prior Snarktography galleries from this season:

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Something truly amazing happened during the Timbers win on Saturday, April 14: I discovered my shoes were WATERPROOF. I mean, yeah, Portland was playing Minnesota at Providence Park in the pouring down rain, it was the home opener, and there were many goals and other supposedly exciting events, but you guys... my feet were dry. The worst part was that no one said anything. You would think that someone, maybe at least Alvas Powell (he certainly wasn't busy), could have taken just a moment out of the match to congratulate me on surviving that horrific hours-long watery deluge from the sky. There would have been plenty of time to say something about my awesome shoes during all the occasions the ref was listening to the VAR dude in his ear. Sadly, instead I am forced to begin another year of Timbers coverage with extra pettiness. Just you wait for the match predictions on kipkesgard.com; I'm finally going to get really, really mean.

Anyway, here are some photographs from the Timbers 3-2 win, along with potentially ridiculous commentary. For more serious content, read Kip Kesgard's match report.

Fanendo Adi
"Reports of my obsolescence have been greatly exaggerated."

Fanendo Adi
The visiting supporters' section cannot be unseen.

Diego Valeri, Ibson
"My nails just won't set in this humidity."

Alvas Powell goal run
Maybe Powell *was* a little busy.

Fanendo Adi, Alvas Powell.
Adi: "The guy behind me got the Spiced IPA."

Fanendo Adi
"You're still too big to get calls in your favor."

Sebastian Blanco
Ref: "The voice tells me not to give you calls, either."

Jake Gleeson
Jake Gleeson loves the TA OGs in the South Deck.

Zarek Valentin, Diego Chara
Part one. "That's a really big crane!"

Diego Chara, Bill Tuiloma, Cristhian Paredes
Part two. It *was* a really big crane.

Mean ref
"Snape kills Dumbledore."

Alvas Powell
Powell contemplates his inconsistency.

Cristhian Paredes
Oh, no... didn't they tell you not to smile at me?
Now you've gone and jinxed the whole season!

Larrys Mabiala, Samuel Armenteros
Larrys Mabiala: "Hey, maybe next time we won't let it get that close at the end."

Look at the crane. LOOK AT IT.
Surprise bonus. Part three. The big crane.