Sunday, July 21, 2013

Vampire Babies Hunger For Your Blood

A letter from vampire babies demanding my blood
For once I wish my postal carrier would lose my mail on purpose.
This shocking follow-up to my now school-required reading, Corporate America is Trying to Impregnate Me!, reveals even more terrifying evidence that the government insemination drone is still pursuing me. I sincerely hope they have not already succeeded and I am incubating a Freedom Fetus to be birthed and inspire an episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

In the aforementioned entry, I already listed all of my objections to carrying an abdominal parasite, and I assumed the government's efforts would cease once the truth was out. I was wrong. Approximately a week ago, I received more breeder propaganda in the mail. Only now, it was for the benefit of vampire babies. Vampire babies apparently need more blood and I refuse to enable this dangerous menace.

Before I could even finish writing this entry, I was rudely interrupted by a research trip to Las Vegas. What I assumed was to be an informative exploration of fall's fashion trends so I could further adapt my accessories line turned out not to be the situation. Instead, I discovered the vampire baby conspiracy is growing further and faster than I previously supposed. I am frightened for my very life and you should be, too.

Before I left for my trip, I received a disturbing piece of mail. It was a brochure asking for my cord blood. Apparently, there are many babies out there that need it and they will do anything to get it, including the sending of mail to women that aren't even pregnant. They want me to get pregnant, and then give them all of my blood from some cord thing. I can only assume it's because it reminds them of a crazy straw and they can drink it fresh, directly from the source. This of course is highly disturbing and nauseating, and I have no choice but to attempt to recreate it through the medium of photography.

preemie cabbage patch baby drinking blood from a wine glass
Realistic recreation of vampire baby.
While I was in Las Vegas, I could not escape the scourge of vampire babies. They were EVERYWHERE. There they were, at 2 a.m. on the Las Vegas Strip, commanding their human minions to push them along in their carriages, searching for victims. Sometimes they even forced their slaves to carry them on their chests. As vampire babies are cold and undead, they were likely absorbing the heat from these poor souls.

I could think of no other reason why a human would have an infant accompanying them in Sin City far after the witching hour if they were not engaging in the search for blood. And in 100 degrees no less. This was perfect hunting ground for a ravenous vampire baby. Pedialyte is a poor substitute for that which these demons truly crave, but more than one adult slave pumped their charges full of this vile substance in the hope they could slake the unholy eternal thirst. That and they gave them lots of candy.

The next day, the bloodsuckers would rise early and in some bizarre ritual of masochism, brave the morning sun after only few hours of sleep, determined to burn themselves into a screaming rage. These strange beasts would wail by the pool as the minions massaged SPF 200 all over their wriggling bodies, while their servants continued to fill them with candy or frozen yogurt or breakfast sandwiches or candy or soda and candy in the attempt to delay their need of blood. Of course, to the layman this practice may appear to be parents filling their kids full of sugar after no sleep in the effort to keep them awake, bribed and happy, but I know better. That would be abusive and there was simply too much of this occurring. It is far more likely the vampire plague has spread faster and wider than even I could have imagined.

This country has been blinded by political ridiculousness. Who cares about racism and homophobia, the war against religion, the moral realignment of women's duties to the righteous patriarchy, and a power hungry unstoppable black president in his quest to continually disenfranchise the poor rich white man over the age of 50? This all means nothing when facing the threat of vampire babies. Start stocking up on wooden stakes before the government starts requiring background checks on them.

And stay away from the M&M Store in Las Vegas. I think it's the international headquarters for the vampire elite.