Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes

What a beautiful day at Providence Park last Sunday, April 22. The sun was shining, my bare arms blinded the first two rows of the South Deck, and the Portland Timbers earned a clean sheet against New York City FC. It was astounding, and the three goals for the home team just took it over the top. There was so much goal smoke my asthma is still making its presence known days later.

As usual, here are a few photos from the match with some attempts at humor in the captions. Click on the pics for larger format in a gallery.

For more serious coverage and additional photos, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Oh, my lovely Derp Derp is back. A win is assured!

"Giddy-yap!"

Fanendo Adi hears Rodney Wallace talking smack about his horsey ride. He thought they were friends.

Surprise Purple Nurple!

I've missed that face SO MUCH.

Nope. Only Rod Wall can do that face right. And your eyes are closed.

Liam Ridgewell happily finds the snack he hid in his boot.

You all may want to look just a slight bit to your left.

Sebastian Blanco has this one. You may step back.

Diego Valeri sneaks away carefully.

 Part one. Zarek Valentin: "So, did you hear about how they got rid of the tots?"

Part two. Valentin: "No, it's cool; they're coming back!"

And the award for Best Face Plant goes to...

Adorbs.

This is how I expect to be looked at. The jinx initiated last week is hereby undone.

Prior Snarktography galleries from this season:

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Something truly amazing happened during the Timbers win on Saturday, April 14: I discovered my shoes were WATERPROOF. I mean, yeah, Portland was playing Minnesota at Providence Park in the pouring down rain, it was the home opener, and there were many goals and other supposedly exciting events, but you guys... my feet were dry. The worst part was that no one said anything. You would think that someone, maybe at least Alvas Powell (he certainly wasn't busy), could have taken just a moment out of the match to congratulate me on surviving that horrific hours-long watery deluge from the sky. There would have been plenty of time to say something about my awesome shoes during all the occasions the ref was listening to the VAR dude in his ear. Sadly, instead I am forced to begin another year of Timbers coverage with extra pettiness. Just you wait for the match predictions on kipkesgard.com; I'm finally going to get really, really mean.

Anyway, here are some photographs from the Timbers 3-2 win, along with potentially ridiculous commentary. For more serious content, read Kip Kesgard's match report.

"Reports of my obsolescence have been greatly exaggerated."

The visiting supporters' section cannot be unseen.

"My nails just won't set in this humidity."

Maybe Powell *was* a little busy.

Adi: "The guy behind me got the Spiced IPA."

"You're still too big to get calls in your favor."

Ref: "The voice tells me not to give you calls, either."

Jake Gleeson loves the TA OGs in the South Deck.

Part one. "That's a really big crane!"

Part two. It *was* a really big crane.

"Snape kills Dumbledore."

Powell contemplates his inconsistency.

Oh, no... didn't they tell you not to smile at me?

Now you've gone and jinxed the whole season!

Larrys Mabiala: "Hey, maybe next time we won't let it get that close at the end."

Surprise bonus. Part three. The big crane.