Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes

What a beautiful day at Providence Park last Sunday, April 22. The sun was shining, my bare arms blinded the first two rows of the South Deck, and the Portland Timbers earned a clean sheet against New York City FC. It was astounding, and the three goals for the home team just took it over the top. There was so much goal smoke my asthma is still making its presence known days later.

As usual, here are a few photos from the match with some attempts at humor in the captions. Click on the pics for larger format in a gallery.

For more serious coverage and additional photos, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Liam Ridgewell, Diego Valeri
Oh, my lovely Derp Derp is back. A win is assured!

Fanendo Adi, Ebenezer Ofori, Alexander Callens, Maximiliano Moralez, Ronald Matarrita

Rodney Wallace, Fanendo Adi
Fanendo Adi hears Rodney Wallace talking smack about his horsey ride. He thought they were friends.

Rodney Wallace, Alvas Powell
Surprise Purple Nurple!

Diego Chara, Rodney Wallace
I've missed that face SO MUCH.

Sebastian Blanco
Nope. Only Rod Wall can do that face right. And your eyes are closed.

Liam Ridgewell
Liam Ridgewell happily finds the snack he hid in his boot.

Larrys Mabiala, Cristhian Paredes
You all may want to look just a slight bit to your left.

Sebastian Blanco, Zarek Valentin
Sebastian Blanco has this one. You may step back.

Diego Valeri, Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
Diego Valeri sneaks away carefully.

Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
 Part one. Zarek Valentin: "So, did you hear about how they got rid of the tots?"

Zarek Valentin, Sebastian Blanco
Part two. Valentin: "No, it's cool; they're coming back!"

Portland Timbers
And the award for Best Face Plant goes to...

Larrys Mabiala

Alvas Powell
This is how I expect to be looked at. The jinx initiated last week is hereby undone.

Prior Snarktography galleries from this season:

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Something truly amazing happened during the Timbers win on Saturday, April 14: I discovered my shoes were WATERPROOF. I mean, yeah, Portland was playing Minnesota at Providence Park in the pouring down rain, it was the home opener, and there were many goals and other supposedly exciting events, but you guys... my feet were dry. The worst part was that no one said anything. You would think that someone, maybe at least Alvas Powell (he certainly wasn't busy), could have taken just a moment out of the match to congratulate me on surviving that horrific hours-long watery deluge from the sky. There would have been plenty of time to say something about my awesome shoes during all the occasions the ref was listening to the VAR dude in his ear. Sadly, instead I am forced to begin another year of Timbers coverage with extra pettiness. Just you wait for the match predictions on; I'm finally going to get really, really mean.

Anyway, here are some photographs from the Timbers 3-2 win, along with potentially ridiculous commentary. For more serious content, read Kip Kesgard's match report.

Fanendo Adi
"Reports of my obsolescence have been greatly exaggerated."

Fanendo Adi
The visiting supporters' section cannot be unseen.

Diego Valeri, Ibson
"My nails just won't set in this humidity."

Alvas Powell goal run
Maybe Powell *was* a little busy.

Fanendo Adi, Alvas Powell.
Adi: "The guy behind me got the Spiced IPA."

Fanendo Adi
"You're still too big to get calls in your favor."

Sebastian Blanco
Ref: "The voice tells me not to give you calls, either."

Jake Gleeson
Jake Gleeson loves the TA OGs in the South Deck.

Zarek Valentin, Diego Chara
Part one. "That's a really big crane!"

Diego Chara, Bill Tuiloma, Cristhian Paredes
Part two. It *was* a really big crane.

Mean ref
"Snape kills Dumbledore."

Alvas Powell
Powell contemplates his inconsistency.

Cristhian Paredes
Oh, no... didn't they tell you not to smile at me?
Now you've gone and jinxed the whole season!

Larrys Mabiala, Samuel Armenteros
Larrys Mabiala: "Hey, maybe next time we won't let it get that close at the end."

Look at the crane. LOOK AT IT.
Surprise bonus. Part three. The big crane.