Monday, April 24, 2017

Portland Timbers defeat Vancouver Whitecaps 2-1, snarktography lives

providence park timbers army post-goal
That Alaska ad. LOLZ

Last Saturday, April 22, I sat next to the pitch at Providence Park, drenched by a torrential downpour. Well, I did one minute, and then I was roasted alive in the next minute. This alternation of torture continued for hours. I didn't know how I was going to survive. Fortunately for you I did survive, and my photographs did as well. I have evidence the Timbers beat the Whitecaps 2-1, and didn't look entirely terrible doing so. Please enjoy the ridiculousness of my brand of Timbers coverage, and perhaps if you want something more serious, you could look at the match recap at Kip Kesgard's site.

Click the images for larger versions.

liam ridgewell puts on a show in front of the officials
It's obvious Ridgewell is volunteering to be my new muse. (Jewsbury who?)

liam ridgewell and fredy montero get weird
It didn't take long for things to get weird.

diego valeri and christian bolanos
Valeri has a strange-looking shadow.

darlington nagbe, lawrence olum, david guzman, dairon asprilla
Olum hopes he's not too late to join the human Voltron.

liam ridgewell and jeff attinella
Do mind the elbow, Ridgy.

caleb porter, darren mattocks, kendall waston
"Hey! Get this ball off my head!"

liam ridgewell, david guzman, fredy montero, matias laba
"No, I'm not chanting along with them, but I can't say I disagree with the message."

portland timbers, vancouver whitecaps
The Whitecaps are thrilled they didn't have to cause the contact for once.

diego valeri, kendall waston, dairon asprilla
A rare moment: Valeri's not being assaulted.

vytautas andriuskevicius, vytas, dairon asprilla, andrew jacobson, tim parker
"It's okay; I got this."

portland timbers, timbers army, timber joey

darlington nagbe
Bonus image: What are they looking at? Suggestions?

Previous Snarktography from this season:

April 2, Timbers vs. Revolution

April 15, Timbers vs. Sporting (NONE. THE MATCH WAS BOOOOORING)

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Portland Timbers draw 1-1 with New England Revolution, snarktography returns

TA and El REY flag, Valeri
Last Sunday night, April 2, the Timbers hosted the Revolution at Providence Park, in a competition to see who could frustrate the supporters more. Portland effortlessly brought everyone up to a brilliant high, culminating with Diego Valeri's lovely golazo, but then they faltered in a lackluster second half effort. New England just flopped all over the place, which resulted in the fans' chorus of groans and boos replacing the typically frenetic Timbers Army singalong. Although I had predicted an outright loss, this underwhelming draw gives off much the same feeling. How do we cope with this disappointment? Terrible pictures with horrible captions!

I previously exhibited my "snarktography" at another media outlet, but now it has come home to my own ridiculous lifestyle blog. As usual, other more serious photographs accompany Kip Kesgard's Timbers write-ups at As for the silly, let us begin... (click on each for larger images)

Kei Kamera sadness
"You guys aren't laughing at my hair, are you?"
Fanendo Adi and Alvas Powell laugh it up
"No, why?"

Jake Gleeson bad juju
"I have a bad feeling about this match."

Marco Farfan and Kelyn Rowe ignore the drama behind them
In the center background, scarf guy gave some really bad taffy to the lady. That older gentleman is chastising him.

Sebastián Blanco and Alvas Powell do stuff

Giant Darlington Nagbe approves of Diego Valeri's goal.
Giant Nagbe sees what you did there.

Ref Stott likes to blow his whistle.
Stott calls a foul on the smoke.

we can all appreciate a nice boo-tay
Dat booty tho.

Guzmán and Powell have a discussion.
 1/2 "He wasn't even anywhere near it. He was like this far away. Like, why didn't you stop it?"

This isn't about you
2/2 "Nah, we're not talking about you."

Powell joins the rodeo
8 seconds 'til glory.

Leave Adi alone

First Sasha, now Fanendo
Guzmán: "Are you okay?"  Adi: "Braaaaaiiins..."

damn Valeri

yet another floppity doo
Yeah, I really don't know what's going on here. Caption suggestions encouraged.