Saturday, March 7, 2015

Ask Me Questions Because I Know Everything

As much as I enjoy doling out unsolicited advice to nearly everyone I see, I'd prefer scaling back to a more regular, in-depth advice arrangement.

Starting immediately, I require your questions, queries and crises in my inbox, at Through this medium, I will likely be able to show off even more of my expertise in everything, while being able to profit off of my sad little fans, as well.

For a special treat, I'm going to post a couple of examples I've received randomly in the last couple weeks. This should serve as an enticing preview of what's to come on a more regular basis.


I moved into my house more than 16 months ago and my neighbors had the audacity to try to introduce themselves to me. I heard you may have some expertise in this area. Anyway, after all this time of barely acknowledging their existence, the woman next door smiled at me last week. I was outside with my family and she was carrying something out her door when our eyes met. She looked up and smiled and I have never felt so violated. I made sure to turn and face her directly, staring, unblinking, with cold distaste. Was this response appropriate? Or should I set fire to their trash cans?

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That


Yes, I do have experience with this topic, so you've come to the right place. However, it sounds like you're doing a great job on your own. The trash fire is a brilliant idea, as long as you make sure to put some of your trash in it first, too. Like baby diapers, cigarette butts, anything else pungently grotesque. It's clear they haven't gotten the message so you need to up the volume. Politeness is for the weak.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard



Who's going to win the Timbers home opener?

Timbers #2 Fan

Dear #2,

Timbers 2, RSL 0. That one nasty RSL dude with the dreads is going to get all tangled up in his own hairy mess while the Timbers Beard Squad (replacing the Great Crumbled Wall of Gambia), will emerge from their caves and scare everyone else off of the ball. Whichever Timbers scoring dudes are least terrified to hang around and get the ball from the bearded warriors will earn goals for the day. I have written this so it has to happen now. However, if I'm wrong you can blame it on the fact I am the worst at this stuff.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard


Dear Mommy,

Have you gotten any more mail for me lately? Put it on the dining room table, okay?

Your Vampire Baby

Dear Vampire Baby,

You terrify me but I'm glad you have confirmed your existence. I have already tried to prove your existence at other junctures, but this is the most conclusive. I wish you would move out already because the utilities are getting ridiculous. I threw out your mail but I kept a picture to remember what your name is, Waldo. Now get out.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard


As you can tell, I'm really good at this so write to me all the time. I'm sure you'd like getting some first class advice for your peasant problems for once.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

This Week in Gresham

Looking to go out-and-about in fabulous Gresham this week and just don't know where to start? Have no fear, you only need to take a look at our new comprehensive guide to discover the hottest happenings in Portland's stylish suburb paradise.

Local artist reminiscent of international icon Banksy
Gresham residents have been treated to a stimulating new educational art installment located on the border of the Rockwood Neighborhood. For a limited time, Man's Greatest Achievement is available for viewing by critics, the public and school field trips. With a focus on anatomical science, this masterpiece delights the eyes and the intellect!

Cost: Free

Hours: All, Sun-Sat

Other: Photo opportunities, ample neighborhood parking, public transit accessible, suitable for all ages.



Bark while in park.
Fridays are free concert days this spring in Wilkes East! The up-and-coming musical act, Rampent Neglekt, has been surprising Gresham residents with vibrant impromptu performances.

The talented vocalist relies on elevated-volume, classic blues melodies accompanied by the endless clanking of an idling diesel engine. You'll never know when and where this innovative act will appear next so keep your eyes--and ears--peeled!

Cost: Free

Location: Construction zone on the border of Portland/Gresham

Hours: Approximately 12:00 noon, performance duration 90-120 minutes

Other: Squirrel Circus opening act, food encouraged, not suitable for cats.



Gresham Independent Pharmaceutical Distributors are seeking participants for an upcoming drug trial of a newly-found medication.* This exciting development could revolutionize the pharmaceutical industry, and we need your help!
You too could earn a generous daily stipend of 144 aluminum cans if you qualify. Contact us today.

Age requirement: Be 35-85, or just look like it.

Location: Outside that apartment complex on Glisan that always smells like weed and has cop cars parked around the corner.

Hours: Every day after dark

Transportation: Plenty of bicycle w/attached child trailer parking.

*Newly-found medication actually discovered outside as pictured on grass next to curb. Some words on packaging changed to protect patent holder.