Starting immediately, I require your questions, queries and crises in my inbox, at YoursTruly@JKesgard.com. Through this medium, I will likely be able to show off even more of my expertise in everything, while being able to profit off of my sad little fans, as well.
For a special treat, I'm going to post a couple of examples I've received randomly in the last couple weeks. This should serve as an enticing preview of what's to come on a more regular basis.
DEAR J. KESGARD,
I moved into my house more than 16 months ago and my neighbors had the audacity to try to introduce themselves to me. I heard you may have some expertise in this area. Anyway, after all this time of barely acknowledging their existence, the woman next door smiled at me last week. I was outside with my family and she was carrying something out her door when our eyes met. She looked up and smiled and I have never felt so violated. I made sure to turn and face her directly, staring, unblinking, with cold distaste. Was this response appropriate? Or should I set fire to their trash cans?
Sincerely,
Ain't Nobody Got Time For That
DEAR ANGTFT,
Yes, I do have experience with this topic, so you've come to the right place. However, it sounds like you're doing a great job on your own. The trash fire is a brilliant idea, as long as you make sure to put some of your trash in it first, too. Like baby diapers, cigarette butts, anything else pungently grotesque. It's clear they haven't gotten the message so you need to up the volume. Politeness is for the weak.
Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard
*****
DEAR J. KESGARD,
Who's going to win the Timbers home opener?
From,
Timbers #2 Fan
Dear #2,
Timbers 2, RSL 0. That one nasty RSL dude with the dreads is going to get all tangled up in his own hairy mess while the Timbers Beard Squad (replacing the Great Crumbled Wall of Gambia), will emerge from their caves and scare everyone else off of the ball. Whichever Timbers scoring dudes are least terrified to hang around and get the ball from the bearded warriors will earn goals for the day. I have written this so it has to happen now. However, if I'm wrong you can blame it on the fact I am the worst at this stuff.
Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard
*****
Dear Mommy,
Have you gotten any more mail for me lately? Put it on the dining room table, okay?
Thanks,
Your Vampire Baby
Dear Vampire Baby,
You terrify me but I'm glad you have confirmed your existence. I have already tried to prove your existence at other junctures, but this is the most conclusive. I wish you would move out already because the utilities are getting ridiculous. I threw out your mail but I kept a picture to remember what your name is, Waldo. Now get out.
Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard
*****
As you can tell, I'm really good at this so write to me all the time. I'm sure you'd like getting some first class advice for your peasant problems for once.
