Friday, July 27, 2012

Week in Review: Favorite Naps Countdown

After a few weeks of starting my new, fabulous lifestyle, I began to experience a strange phenomenon that at first deeply concerned me. During the day, I found myself becoming drowsy, with my eyes urging me to allow them to close for longer than their regular casual blink, and I was losing control of other assorted motor functions. This would seem to occur most often in a comfortably warm location, with soft surfaces on which I could choose to repose. It came to me one gray, misty afternoon, as I slowly began to recall a long-forgotten luxury I used to enjoy on occasion in my youth: sleeping during the day. I believe you people call it a nap.

During this last week, I endeavored to take as many naps as possible, considering I had nothing better to do, and that I really had no choice as my adrenal glands are 4000X overstimulated after living go!go!go! for 24/7/365/17. The following is a ranked order of my day sleeps with scandalous details and valuable tips for optimizing your own nap experience.

Cats in a basket
Unfortunately, this nap was over before it began. I had noticed that a couple of my furry accessories quite prefer this basket as a location for their frequent respite periods. I mistakenly believed they might allow me to share the comfort of their fur-covered blankets and faintly urine-scented pillows, but no, these greedy little bastards had no room for their weary guardian.


Too much fur on this damn couch
Face into the couch for maximum skin creases.
This slumber fete occurred on the shredded brown leather couch, which is now surrounded by a splendidly fur-enhanced Sure-Fit cover, so it is the closest possible experience to that of the cat nap that I could manage. I should also mention that the State of Oregon throw blanket is also completely covered in cat remnant, providing maximum warmth and odor potential.

I decided to forgo a pillow and merely placed my head against the rock-hard armrest, resulting in a very uncomfortable yet sassy head tilt for the remainder of the day. For a better sleep interval, I would recommend ear plugs so that you don't hear the ambiance of your neighborhood. Although, that means you may miss out on such wonderfully soothing sounds such as leaf blowers, the loudspeaker at the fruit outlet you can hear a block away, the extra intense car stereos, and the couple across the way at the apartments having their biweekly shouting match about money and leaving them kids alone.


Face down in the grass like a pro
Stabilize yourself with pointed toes as to not roll down the hill.
Last Sunday, I spent a fine evening at a gathering for my husband's football team. This gathering happened to be at a winery, which is a perfect location for a posh WAG like myself. My footballer husband plays for an over-40 squad, a designation that means each player scores over 40 goals per season. As you can surmise, this makes me quite famous already. I will further develop this WAG identity as part of my new life.

My red vintage purse was surprisingly comfortable as a head rest for my impromptu slumber. Make certain to choose a soft portion of grass for your nap, as upon my inspection, the ground between the rows of vines themselves are dusty and that can dull even the shiniest of lip glosses. Be ware.


Holy crap look at all that drool
A high thread count is essential.

I could immediately tell this was my favorite nap of the week, because although it had lasted a mere 30 minutes, it provided an overwhelming sign of enjoyment. Any physical activity that results in a fluid release immediately goes down as a winner in my book, I dare say. Stay hydrated, my friends.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Becks, I'm Afraid We're Through

I could have been doing many important things over the last couple of weeks, such as visiting my best friend and her newly-expelled infant, cleaning up the aftermath of what seems like a tornado's destructive path through my home, or attempting to tame the savage overgrowth surrounding my abode, but no, I had something much more significant to attend to: preparing for the arrival of my true pookie poo, David Beckham.

I used to love Becks
I'm certain Becks can sense me when I wear this.

There was just so much to do in the days leading up to when the LA Galaxy were coming to play footsie with the Portland Timbers. My Manchester United shrine with my 2002-03 kit hadn't been dusted in a whole day and the candles had to be replaced. I needed to practice my endless shrieking, knowing I'd have to compete with so many other females uttering the common mating call. My headband collection had been stolen in a previous burglary, so I had to go shopping for some more to bring for him. I also needed more glitter spray because I only had six bottles remaining and that simply wouldn't do since I was sure to use all of it when I painting my stomach with the Burger King logo.

On a serious note, my relationship with David began in 2002, when I moved to England to teach in an elementary school. This was when I was still doing things of consequence and attempting to change the world. My classroom had experienced many troubles before I arrived and I endeavored to find a way to gain their trust. The bonding began after I asked the dear little ones about what they enjoyed most in the world. The top two answers were West Ham United and Manchester United, with David Beckham himself mentioned due to his play for Man U and being captain of the England national squad.

I soon found myself enjoying far too many hours sitting in front of televisions at home and in pubs, and racing back to school to talk to the children about the magic of football. The fact that on match days, seemingly everyone I saw was wearing a kit or scarf, only made the world of football more inviting and exciting. When I moved back to Portland, I spent nearly every weekend watching matches at the Horse Brass. Unfortunately, West Ham was spending one of their many spells in Championship level play and they weren't on television here, and Beckham had moved to Real Madrid, so my only outlet was watching Manchester United with Ruud van Nistelrooy and trying to focus on his legs so I wouldn't have to be scared by his face.

David Beckham and I are breathing the same air
This very moment defined my entire life.
One day at work at one of my many jobs in 2004, the UPS guy told me about the Timbers, and that I should go to a match. I immediately knew in my heart that if I went to a Timbers match, that some day they would move from USL to MLS, and that Beckham would also someday come play in MLS, so all I had to do was wait. I also knew I had to get with someone who would write for a news organization, so then I could get press credentials, and then I could be on the pitch with Becks.

Of course, all of this occurred according to plan and I first got to breathe the same air as my dreamboat last year when he took a corner kick right next to me. Our minds became as one and I suddenly felt inadequate as a devotee. I just wasn't shrieking enough to get his attention. I should have fainted. I should have asked him to sign my chest. I know he was disappointed that I wasted our time together. I then plotted that when he came back, things would be different.

The couple of weeks prior to the match were the most strenuous and agonizing. What would I say? What would he say? Would I have prepared amply to attract his attention? Have I watched those Burger King commercials sufficiently? Have I practiced not smiling enough, since he seems to find that alluring? Despite hours of practice, my duck face look still seemed flawed and not suitably off-putting.

Game day arrived and I threw up even more than I usually did. I arrived at the park and took my regular position on the pitch in the North End. I had done my hair and makeup even better than their ordinary brilliance, with Sharpies and everything. This was about to be epic. But guess what? It turned out to be the biggest letdown of my life. Sure, he looked in my direction a couple of times, but did he ever come over and say, "Keep screaming, I love it." or "I'm leaving my wife for you." or "I made sure my hair was extra greasy the way you like it." or even, "Hey Jen, you don't look as fat as last year."? NO! I guess I lost those 40 pounds for no reason, then, huh? Did you even see the duck face I was doing? It was freaking hot! Your loss, pal. I'm done. Have fun with your new best pal Landon. You guys totally deserve each other.
It's like David Beckham doesn't even see me.
I didn't think it was all over. It is now.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Happy Birthday, 'Murrica... Gresham Style!

Rockin' it hard in the neighborhood
Pickup trucks, BBQ, blowin' shit up: welcome to Gresham

Although I usually like to party in exotic faraway places, I decided to go bestow the charming, hardworking 'Murricans in my East County neighborhood with appearances at their festivities. Of course, to fit in, I was going to have to go with something a little more simple for the evening: little black dress and pearls!

The first gathering I dropped in to left me with quite a puzzled impression of my area's youth. Numerous young lads on bicycles seemed to have a major problem with my manner of dress and the fact I had brought along my cat, Mingette (it's French), to mingle at their function. Assorted adults also appeared to disapprove of the shaker of martinis I brought along to enhance the evening.

Mingette drinks straight from the shaker
Martinis and Mingette
As I reluctantly departed from the first event, I encountered a darling little old lady, who slowly walked down the street with her stylish bamboo cane and scrunchy, angry face. I greeted her in my customary way of inquiring if she wanted an autograph, and she responded with a compliment for our community.

"Damn idiot fools!" she said, wobbling in fury, "They're going to burn everything down!" How charming, my new friend, you dear sweet lady. Truly, what a treat that would be for us all. Mingette meowed sadly that her buzz was wearing off and I gave her a sip of the martinis.

Tripping through a parking lot looking for money
A quick stop at the ATM
The shaker was soon depleted as I sojourned from house to house, watching the residents of my area set fire to everything in sight. I was pleased to see fathers handing their nine-year-olds lighters, educating them in the delightful tradition of explosive digit removal. This value of this type of bonding and education must never be underestimated.

I admit, I had been somewhat dismayed at society's current propensity for downplaying the importance of a father figure in a youth's life, but what I witnessed repeatedly this evening gave me a renewed sense of hope. The influence of my own father essentially assured that I would someday be on my current path to righteous do-nothingness. Filled with pride and optimism for the future, I headed off to find some more money for the next round of martinis.

The regular fireworks social hotspot, the middle school track, was a strangely desolate place. This was disappointing as I so looked forward to tripping over the endless spent fireworks all over the running surface the next day during my laps; it's become a special annual tradition. Fortunately, a family poured out of their minivan and started dancing with Roman candles in the parking lot, so all was not lost.

Mingette finds corn-on-the-cob in the gutter
Light meal for my purse pal
On the way back from the middle school I joined up with a jovial group of my neighbors that choose to perform their incendiary arts in the driveway of their apartment building along the high street. I was surprised that unlike the last 10 years, the smoke cloud did not envelop the entire block.

Further disappointment began to taint my celebratory mood, until I noticed that a kind resident had left a scattered meal of a piece of juicy steak, a half-eaten corn cob, some delectable BBQ chicken, and fine utensils and a platter on the ground for little Mingette. I helped her out of my handbag so she could take advantage of the bounty. Tempted to join her, I then recalled the handful of Special K I had dined upon earlier, so my kitty had to feast alone.

I arrived back to my posh abode to spend the evening listening to the outrageously loud explosions, the resulting car alarms, and the assorted other bangs and gunshots. In total, this year seemed far noisier with a great deal many more rockets exploding in the sky than years past. Let's hope the trend continues and my assistant remembers to buy glow sticks for me. I also need to get started on planning my outfit and signature cocktail for next year. Kisses, everyone!

Hee hee. Really dead tired.
My handler says my nap "Looks like a Hollywood crime scene."
It certainly is a crime I'm not in Hollywood. Seriously.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Title Change and Weekend in Review


I've had to make the decision to change the blog title. Although I had been writing under the title of A Jenny for your Thoughts in some way since 1996 or so, there are simply too many other people with my name, diluting my impact. Some dear thing even bought the .com. How rude, indeed. My own .com will be appearing soon.

In response, I've renamed my project with the term bestowed upon me right after I graduated college. In celebration of all my hard work, family hosted a swanky soiree at the fabulous Village Inn, where I devoured a top notch breakfast skillet and was referred to as "Do-Nothing" by dearest Grandmother. Although I was greatly insulted at the time, I must have been blind to not recognize the universe was revealing my destiny. I will stop wasting time and willingly accept your challenge to in fact, do nothing.

Weekend in Review

Saturday, June 30 was a day filled with sleep, style and social engagements. In the afternoon, I awoke refreshed and even more beautiful than the day before. As a rare treat, I enjoyed an exquisite bowl of Chocolate Chex. I vividly recall the bag whispering its blessings to me as I peeled it apart to reveal the delectable treasure within. The morsels dropped into the bowl, creating a symphony not unlike a classical pianist's masterpiece for a just departed lover. A quick splash of Silk soymilk completed the feast and provided me with my complete caloric needs for the day.

That evening, I was to attend a private viewing affair, that of the Portland Timbers at Colorado Rapids. Although I am somewhat aware of this whole "soccer" phenomenon, I had accepted the invitation mainly to keep up my stellar public profile.

Standing in front of the bar, chugging like a loser.
Paparazzi follow me everywhere.
After a beauty regimen involving an obscene amount of glitter that would do any girl dancing her way through a pre-med program proud, I pre-funked at the most exclusive ultra lounge in town. The owners, knowing full well how my frequenting of their establishment provides them with such advantage in the realm of publicity, ensured that the champagne was flowing.

My driver kept me reasonably on schedule and assured that I arrived to the main destination a punctual one hour late.

I don't remember much of the actual Timbers match as the goals started happening in the wrong net again and I found solace with some crisp Viognier.

Hey, it's a silly drunken selfie
Living it up in the VIP section at Rock Band Beatles show.
After the carnage had subsided, I was treated to an excellent performance by the Rock Band Beatles. They played all of their famous ones like that one song... na na na and such... and the other one, too. It was marvelous. The band seemed so enthusiastic to perform with such a distinguished guest as me in their midst. I am slightly confused as to why their guitars had brightly colored buttons instead of strings on them, but I'm sure it's all Ringo's fault as usual.

My white vintage clutch served as an ideal accompaniment to my navy blue dress and red heels; it was also a perfect location to store the assorted nuts and sweets I found in quaint little dishes on the bar.

All in all, the evening proved to be quite a success and I always love meeting new fans. Who knows, perhaps sometime you will see me grace your festivities. Until next time, my lovelies.
Taking a nap on the patio
I was merely getting a start on my beauty sleep.