Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Vampires Have Won

I have recently come to the terrible realization that I have lost. There's nothing I can do now. They have manipulated me to help them complete their nefarious purposes and it makes me weep in utter despair. What now? What now indeed...

Those of you aware of my battles against the great pregnancy conspiracy from our vampire overlords no doubt remember the shocking mailings I received of breeder propaganda and blood sacrifice. I thought I had done all I could to avoid being enslaved by these fiends but I now realize I may be too late. Apparently, I didn't know I was pregnant and already gave birth. I wondered how I got so fat and now I know the terrible truth. The most frightening question I have is, where is the baby? But then I wonder, when did I expel it? Is it watching me? Does it live in the crawlspace? Is it mad I keep intercepting its mail?

You may be asking yourself, how does she know this? Why would she even think of this? Well, dear fans, the evidence is clear and you can see for yourself after you gaze upon what I just received in the mail:
little kickers junk mail for my mystery vampire baby
We've hit crisis level, here folks. I have now received correspondence meant for a child of at least 18 months of age. Not only did I give birth secretly against my will, but the child also has super-aged like all of the kids do on television. You have seen this frequently, I know. A television program has a character that gives birth and next season their spawn is already five and talking. Or, on a science fiction program, there is something wrong with the creature and it ages quickly on camera. Or, the kids in those pageants made up to look older actually DO look that age now. This can only mean that all children on television are portrayed by vampire babies except for the Olsen twins.

Keep your wits about you, my dears. Hypervigilance is required in times like these. Who knows how many of us have been impregnated against our will, only to birth an evil parasite that now lives in an attic or similar environs. No hell beast, I will not drive you to casting calls. I will not. Most certainly not for anything less than 60% plus expenses.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Fuzzy Logic

I love Daiya fake cheese. It's the perfect product for someone like me that pretty much can't eat anything with gluten, casein or artificial colors... it's like crack. I put it in or on everything: tuna noodles, spaghetti, breakfast scrambles, nachos, burgers and pizza. Well, I would if I ate food other than prunes and champagne. I just like to have Daiya around in case I ever feel like eating something when I'm done being hot.

Somebody drove through a fence
Not my handiwork, but it could be if I need to drive to get Daiya.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a place close to my home where I could purchase this treat. There are no Whole Foods or New Seasons stores closer than a 25 minute drive and Fred Meyer, a 15-20 minute drive, doesn't carry as wide of a selection of the Daiya products.

Sometimes I don't feel like rolling out of bed to find the phone and call my driver, so I'm forced to go by myself. I usually do my grocery shopping by walking, as drinking bubbly as much as I do and heading out on the road is not a fabulous idea. I might ruin my hair or someone's fence or something. I prefer to stumble down the street, making friends and being under the influence with people.

This summer, IT ALL CHANGED. I was skipping through the hippie section of one of my neighborhood markets when I spied ambrosia: Daiya Cheddar Wedge. It was cause for a most epic celebration. Although this was the only selection, it's my go-to melty pleasure. I quickly purchased a wedge and continued to do so weekly over the next month. In the middle of June, I noticed that a couple of the wedges had green spots on them, as you can see through the semi-transparent packaging. I put them aside and reached in the back and found two good wedges; I bought one of them. In the old days, when I actually gave a shit about being nice, I would have brought the moldy wedges up to the register with me. Not anymore. The expiration date was July 15 on them anyway so I expected they'd be getting a new shipment and trading them out any day.

The next week I walked back and the same three wedges were still there: the two moldy ones and one that wasn't, but I noticed the seal on that one wasn't good and I didn't want to risk it. At the end of June, I went to Las Vegas for a working holiday and had my driver take me to the Whole Foods while I was there so I could put Daiya on everything I ate at the champagne brunch at the MGM Grand. I spent two weeks in Sin City before I returned to Oregon. July 11, I walked to the store and was greeted by my three friends, the same moldy Daiya wedges. I pulled them out of their shelf and laid them on top of the tofu so someone would see it. I raised my cloak across my face and laughed maniacally as I darted out of the store.

July 18, I went back expecting to see the wedges replaced but NO! THEY WERE STILL THERE! Someone had picked them up and restocked them back into their shelf spot. Now they were not only fuzzy but also beyond the expiration date. I pulled them back off the shelf and laid them on the tofu. Every other day I went to the store and put the Daiya on the tofu, and I would go back and it would be right back in its spot again. This went on until this last Sunday, when I finally found my precious wedges gone. I had played this silly game for THREE WEEKS, with the wedges being moldy on the shelf for a total of seven weeks. Now I have no idea of what to do with myself. My life's purpose is gone.

Moldy daiya has been on display for over a month at my neighborhood store
My furry friends. Ready for yiffing.