Portland Timbers slam Orlando City 3-0, snarktography insists upon itself

Orlando City SC rolls into town on Sunday, September 24  acting all, "Hey, we're so awesome," and stuff like that and the Portland Timbers are all, "Nuh-uh," and "Eat these goals and red cards." And then I'm like, "Oh, these pictures I took of Portland's 3-0 win at home are really crappy but I'm going to share them anyway with seriously lame captions." And then you're all, "Look, a train wreck from which I simply cannot look away." The result: I get lots of hits and a whole ten cents in ad revenue.
Enjoy!

For something slightly more coherent, read Kip Kesgard's match report. You'll see more of my photos there, as well.

Dealing with Orlando's ridiculousness is exhausting. Trip some suckas and smile. It'll make you feel better.

"Hailing frequencies open, Captain."

Yeah! Go you!

"SNARF!"

Mattocks attempts to walk up the left margin.

"Can we do this every time?"

"Done my part. Time for a nap."

Part one. Valentin: "Chill out, bro. Whatever he said can't be THAT bad..."

Part two. Valentin: "Wait... WHAT?!?"

Part three. Miller: "Yeah, well he started it."

Stefon: "This match has everything... a Make-A-Wish come true, two red cards followed by whiny ejections, Valeri breaking more records, Toledo being reasonable, and the park filling with the smell of Spam canned meat product."

Aww. So cute.

AWW! SO CUTE!!!

Aww... um... so Dad?

Portland Timbers steamroll over LA Galaxy 3-1, snarktography persists

This last Sunday, August 6, I was yet again blessed with the ability to sit in the south end and swoon at my Timbers, and this time, they were defeating the LA Galaxy! Oh, how splendid a day to watch from so close the players' epic conquest, the ref who doesn't know how far the distance of 10 yards actually is, the people who didn't bring sunblock, and a storm of sunflowers cascading from the Timbers Army. What a magical day I tell you... well... except for the HUMIDITY. I am certainly glad the Portland boys won 3-1 because otherwise I would have shaken my fist in indignation for having to sit in a pool of sweat for three hours just to watch a loss. Shows they finally know what's good for them. Let's hope it continues. From the aforementioned match, here are a few images and accompanying comments that try too hard.

More serious coverage with more of my photos: Kip Kesgard's match analysis.

"It's so freakin' humid! BLARRRRRFFFFFF."

Aww.

"Hmm. Who *did* eat all the pies?"

Find the following: 1) a decapitation attempt; 2) a handball; 3) a derpy look; 4) half a man; 5) Waldo

Somebody needs a hug!

"He's doing it again, isn't he?"

"Nobody move! I lost a contact lens!"

Inevitable.

I finally got a good one of a goal. It's a miracle.

"And on the main stage, it's Naaaaaaaaags. Don't forget to tip your waitstaff..."

Sniffles.

Yeah, um, okay...

How far is this supposed to be again?

Love.

Pure carnage.

Portland Timbers draw 2-2 with Chicago Fire and it actually was not mega boring

The date of Wednesday, July 5 signified two important events: I was back from a working vacation in Las Vegas on so very little sleep, and the Portland Timbers hosted the Chicago Fire at Providence Park. The occurrence of both events on the same day has assured even worse photo-taking and snark than usual. The match ended in a 2-all draw and was not without excitement; unfortunately, you will see none of that here. There is nothing but sadness and gloom abound. It is best you turn back now unless you are a glutton for punishment.

For even more tedious coverage, slog your way through Kip Kesgard's pablum here.

"...But one of these men is doing his own thing; now it's time to play our game..."

Zemanski can't unsee Valentin's hair or what's living in it.

There's always time for a paper football field goal.

"G-G-G-G-G-GHOST!"

He's too big, you see. You have no choice but to hold on tight with both hands. All the time. No choice.

Valeri: "Hold still. You've got something on your back. I'll get it."

"MMM-mmm... that was a DELICIOUS cookie."

I'm in the middle. I paid a ball kid to take this shot.

Inhalers up, for the Rose City. Inhalers up...

Snap out of it. Join the next group hug. Fold a paper football and send it at Valentin. Take deep breaths. Eat a cookie.

These 14 photos of Portland Timbers vs. San Jose Earthquakes will restore your faith in humanity

This edition of snarktography will leave you speechless and/or make you lose your mind. Maybe.
On Friday, June 2, the San Jose Earthquakes visited Providence Park and were defeated 2-0 by Diego Valeri and some other guys. Kip Kesgard wrote some blah blah blah about it here (with more of my pics). The following are sillier images from the evening, accompanied by SHOCKING comments. We dare you to click on them; what happens next will change your life (or just make them bigger).

"Payment, please."

Surprise cartwheel!

 

 

 

 

 

"There it is." Oh really? Thanks Chara.

"Piss off, Wondo."

"How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"

Well, it was about time somebody did something.

"No hugs for you."

The smoke is lovely to look at but it's why I stay on the south side of the park.

"Can I have my leg back now?"

Part one. Adi: "I swear, this has never happened to me before."

Part two. Bernardez: "Hey man, don't sweat it. It happens to all of us at some point."

Part 3. Valeri: "Not to me."

Insert Tetris theme here.

"Sweetheart, we can let him have this one. We already have so many at home."