Portland Timbers draw 2-2 with Chicago Fire and it actually was not mega boring

The date of Wednesday, July 5 signified two important events: I was back from a working vacation in Las Vegas on so very little sleep, and the Portland Timbers hosted the Chicago Fire at Providence Park. The occurrence of both events on the same day has assured even worse photo-taking and snark than usual. The match ended in a 2-all draw and was not without excitement; unfortunately, you will see none of that here. There is nothing but sadness and gloom abound. It is best you turn back now unless you are a glutton for punishment.

For even more tedious coverage, slog your way through Kip Kesgard's pablum here.

"...But one of these men is doing his own thing; now it's time to play our game..."

Zemanski can't unsee Valentin's hair or what's living in it.

There's always time for a paper football field goal.

"G-G-G-G-G-GHOST!"

He's too big, you see. You have no choice but to hold on tight with both hands. All the time. No choice.

Valeri: "Hold still. You've got something on your back. I'll get it."

"MMM-mmm... that was a DELICIOUS cookie."

I'm in the middle. I paid a ball kid to take this shot.

Inhalers up, for the Rose City. Inhalers up...

Snap out of it. Join the next group hug. Fold a paper football and send it at Valentin. Take deep breaths. Eat a cookie.