Portland Timbers and LA Galaxy settle for one-all draw, snarktography tries somewhat

The Portland Timbers hosted the LA Galaxy to a fun foot roastin' time Saturday, June 2 at Providence Park. The opposing sides each spent so much time passing to each other, it was a miracle even a couple goals occurred. The teams ended at 1-1, and I captured some of the highlights from the gloriously sunny afternoon.

For more serious content, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Otherwise, enjoy the photos and lame humor.

No snark. Lovely colorful pride display. My favorite flag/banner colors are pink, lavender, and blue.

"I'll try to help get this loosened up, but you'll definitely need to see your chiropractor."

Diego Valeri gently coaxes the ball to go home. It didn't go. "Are you too good for your home?!"

Sebastian Blanco hears the sizzle of roasting flesh as his knee touches down on the 4000 degree pitch.

Tiptoe through the turf.

"No one starts a human pyramid without me. No one."

Samuel Armenteros realizes he was the only one without a date to the big dance.

"Get the Doc; he's crowning!"

Upon viewing the telekinesis performed in this match, the president implemented the Mutant Registration Act.

*Somebody* was kung-fu fighting.

Previous Snarktography this season:

None for Timbers vs. LAFC; lens broke during match

None for Timbers vs. Sounders: too boring for snark

Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes


Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Portland Timbers swat New York City FC 3-0, snarktography procedes

What a beautiful day at Providence Park last Sunday, April 22. The sun was shining, my bare arms blinded the first two rows of the South Deck, and the Portland Timbers earned a clean sheet against New York City FC. It was astounding, and the three goals for the home team just took it over the top. There was so much goal smoke my asthma is still making its presence known days later.

As usual, here are a few photos from the match with some attempts at humor in the captions. Click on the pics for larger format in a gallery.

For more serious coverage and additional photos, check out Kip Kesgard's match report.

Oh, my lovely Derp Derp is back. A win is assured!

"Giddy-yap!"

Fanendo Adi hears Rodney Wallace talking smack about his horsey ride. He thought they were friends.

Surprise Purple Nurple!

I've missed that face SO MUCH.

Nope. Only Rod Wall can do that face right. And your eyes are closed.

Liam Ridgewell happily finds the snack he hid in his boot.

You all may want to look just a slight bit to your left.

Sebastian Blanco has this one. You may step back.

Diego Valeri sneaks away carefully.

 Part one. Zarek Valentin: "So, did you hear about how they got rid of the tots?"

Part two. Valentin: "No, it's cool; they're coming back!"

And the award for Best Face Plant goes to...

Adorbs.

This is how I expect to be looked at. The jinx initiated last week is hereby undone.

Prior Snarktography galleries from this season:

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Portland Timbers eke out 3-2 win over Minnesota United, snarktography resumes

Something truly amazing happened during the Timbers win on Saturday, April 14: I discovered my shoes were WATERPROOF. I mean, yeah, Portland was playing Minnesota at Providence Park in the pouring down rain, it was the home opener, and there were many goals and other supposedly exciting events, but you guys... my feet were dry. The worst part was that no one said anything. You would think that someone, maybe at least Alvas Powell (he certainly wasn't busy), could have taken just a moment out of the match to congratulate me on surviving that horrific hours-long watery deluge from the sky. There would have been plenty of time to say something about my awesome shoes during all the occasions the ref was listening to the VAR dude in his ear. Sadly, instead I am forced to begin another year of Timbers coverage with extra pettiness. Just you wait for the match predictions on kipkesgard.com; I'm finally going to get really, really mean.

Anyway, here are some photographs from the Timbers 3-2 win, along with potentially ridiculous commentary. For more serious content, read Kip Kesgard's match report.

"Reports of my obsolescence have been greatly exaggerated."

The visiting supporters' section cannot be unseen.

"My nails just won't set in this humidity."

Maybe Powell *was* a little busy.

Adi: "The guy behind me got the Spiced IPA."

"You're still too big to get calls in your favor."

Ref: "The voice tells me not to give you calls, either."

Jake Gleeson loves the TA OGs in the South Deck.

Part one. "That's a really big crane!"

Part two. It *was* a really big crane.

"Snape kills Dumbledore."

Powell contemplates his inconsistency.

Oh, no... didn't they tell you not to smile at me?

Now you've gone and jinxed the whole season!

Larrys Mabiala: "Hey, maybe next time we won't let it get that close at the end."

Surprise bonus. Part three. The big crane.

You're Doing It Wrong: Follow These Expert Gym Rules Today!

Leg machines are for selfies ONLY.

Hey, it's me! I did do some Timbers snarktography and other contributions last year, but it's been a long time since my last actual Do Nothing post. At the time I posted Area Woman Disappears, Reappears (and the subsequent end-of-post updates) I thought I was about to start getting back into shape, running sub 4 minute miles, ripping apart phone books, etc. The process went slower than predicted, but now I'm finally back to weight training!

I started cardio during the summer, but then I added in weights 11/17. Wow, gym life has changed. There are so many new customs and rules to get used to and it's taken me months to figure it all out. I know that many of my readers might be heading back to the gym soon to work on their beach bodies, so I'll tell you all about what I've learned so your learning curve won't be quite as steep. You're welcome.

Locker Room Rules

Mingette waiting inside to accost anyone that opens her unsecured locker.

1. Don't use a locker. Your bag goes in the middle of the gym floor, or against the wall near an outlet with a phone charging on it, or in between two circuit training machines you're not using right now.
2. If you do use a locker, don't lock it. Pile all of your crap inside and then get mad when it gets stolen.
3. If you're looking for a locker to use, and you open one without a lock and it has someone's shit inside, prepare to get attacked by the owner. You clearly should have x-ray vision and it's your fault.
4. Spread everything you own across all of the benches. 
5. Turn on the shower, do not use it, and then go out to the pool area or get dressed to go home. Get mad if you notice someone else turning off the shower you never used.
6. Talk on the phone. Put it on speaker. Make it loud. Indicate your displeasure to everyone around you that they are disrespectful for listening to your call.

Mingette puts her phone on speaker like a good girl.

Weight Room Rules

1. As mentioned above in Locker Room Rules, leave your gym bag in the center of the floor or in the middle of two machines you're not using. If you do not have a bag, leave your lanyard, keys, water bottle, and wallet on the bench of the machine next to you. Leave them there the whole time. Roid out if someone wants to use that machine.
2. Any machine with a seat is perfect for 30 minute phone calls or magazine reading; try the Crunch Machine, Dip, Rotary Twist or Pec Dec. Incline Press and Low Row are for reading texts or changing songs. Do not take less than 15 minutes doing so.
3. Sit backwards on the Dip and Lat Pulldown machines. Do some made up exercise that completely contradicts the instructions clearly posted on the machine or as stated by gym personnel. On Lat Pulldown, you could also sit in the right direction, but lean all the way back and tear out your spine while doing 50 fast repetitions. It looks so painful, you must be gaining so much, BRO!
4. Don't wipe anything down, ever.
5. Men are only allowed to wear a choice of two scents in the weight room: Cologne Factory Explosion or Eternal Shitpants.
6. Women are required to use Bluetooth headphones and leave their phones anywhere in a ten foot radius around them. You may leave your phone on an adjacent machine's seat, or balanced precariously on top of a weight stack, or in the middle of the floor for convenient stomping.
7. Grunt loudly. DO NOT STOP.
8. Follow the rules for gym bag placement for your gallon jug of mystery fluid. Don't forget to spill it all over the floor near the free weights.
9. Take 30 seconds to do a set on an upper body machine. Then sit there for 10 minutes talking to a friend. Repeat this process for 20-30 minutes. Roll your eyes at anyone who even approaches to use the machine. If you get off the machine for 10 minutes between sets but still hover next to it, tell the woman that gets on it next, "It's okay, we can share the machine, Sweetheart." Make sure to insist she pulls out her earbuds so she can hear your toxicity.
10. Required uniform: pajama pants and hoodie with hood pulled up and cinched tight so you can't smell your own continuous crop dusting.

Mingette forgot to bring her magazine for the Rotary Twist. She'll do better next time.

Cardio Rules

1. Follow the urinal rule: find a person all by themselves and get on the machine right next to them even though all the other machines are available. 
2. Stare at all the boobs. That poor chick over there on the elliptical needs three sports bras to keep everything in place. Go find a nearby table and sit there, just staring at that chick, until the front desk staff notices and asks you to move.
3. Again, don't wipe anything down.
4. Required cardio uniform: flannel shirt, jeans, and socks with sandals.
5. Put your bag in the middle of the floor or right behind your treadmill. Pile everything else you've ever owned on top.
6. Watch the TV with Fox News on it and try to make a person nearby take out their ear buds to talk to you about it.

Pool Rules

1. Never take a shower before getting into the pool or spa. In fact, wear your sweaty workout clothes straight into the pool.
2. In the pool, stop the lap swimmer and tell her not to get your hair wet.
3. In the spa, elderly gentlemen are required to put their groins up against the jets. Constantly. Talk about politics with each other while you do so.

Bonus Tip

The yoga studio is a pleasant, calm space with dim lights and often warm temperatures. It has free mats for naps. Do it!

Working out is exhausting. Our heroines deserve a break.

Yours Truly also wrote about the gym in a previous post, her most successful entry to date: Sexy Women's Locker Room Secrets Revealed!

Portland Timbers slam Orlando City 3-0, snarktography insists upon itself

Orlando City SC rolls into town on Sunday, September 24  acting all, "Hey, we're so awesome," and stuff like that and the Portland Timbers are all, "Nuh-uh," and "Eat these goals and red cards." And then I'm like, "Oh, these pictures I took of Portland's 3-0 win at home are really crappy but I'm going to share them anyway with seriously lame captions." And then you're all, "Look, a train wreck from which I simply cannot look away." The result: I get lots of hits and a whole ten cents in ad revenue.
Enjoy!

For something slightly more coherent, read Kip Kesgard's match report. You'll see more of my photos there, as well.

Dealing with Orlando's ridiculousness is exhausting. Trip some suckas and smile. It'll make you feel better.

"Hailing frequencies open, Captain."

Yeah! Go you!

"SNARF!"

Mattocks attempts to walk up the left margin.

"Can we do this every time?"

"Done my part. Time for a nap."

Part one. Valentin: "Chill out, bro. Whatever he said can't be THAT bad..."

Part two. Valentin: "Wait... WHAT?!?"

Part three. Miller: "Yeah, well he started it."

Stefon: "This match has everything... a Make-A-Wish come true, two red cards followed by whiny ejections, Valeri breaking more records, Toledo being reasonable, and the park filling with the smell of Spam canned meat product."

Aww. So cute.

AWW! SO CUTE!!!

Aww... um... so Dad?