Friday, June 29, 2012

The Rules of Engagement

As I sit here daintily sipping my glass of blush wine, eyes casually surveying the brilliance that is Fashion Police, I can't help but let my thoughts drift over to the many possible trivialities to come in my sure to be disastrous future. Although I am choosing to keep most of my plans clandestine, an elementary delineation of the basic ground rules for my new life plan seems to be in order. This will likely to not only prove valuable to myself, as my oncoming fame will certainly be swift and blinding, but also to my family, friends and acquaintances so that they may know best how to assist me in my quest. Please know that although I care for all of you greatly, as I do all of my dear fans, my focus shifting overwhelmingly to myself may, in fact, require you to contract the services of a mental health professional or narcotics dealer so that you can cope with the jarring change in our relational circumstances.

First, what I refuse to do no matter how jaded I become:

1) Make a sex tape with a D-List celebrity. This will not happen not because I'm married, but because I feel it's cheating in the game. The rise to stardom would occur so quickly, I would not have time to accurately vet my publicist, lawyer, stylist, and hair and makeup team. Priorities, people.

2) Be photographed in a short dress without knickers. I think this is something we as a society are seriously finally over. I wouldn't get the same attention as I would have gotten a few years ago so it's not even worth it.

3) Carry a small dog with me everywhere I go. Although I personally think using a canine as an accessory is cruel and ridiculous, the act itself would not be noticeable in Portland; most people cannot even attend a funeral without bringing their pooch escort.

4) Get a DUI or go to rehab. Not even funny. Not happening.

Now, the few aspects of my plan I can reveal:

1) Never go out in public unless well put-together, with fab clothes and makeup. This means that I must look ready for photographs or personal appearances anywhere, anytime. The only exceptions to this rule are workout wear, as exercising in heels is dangerous and counterproductive in the long term, and when I'm arriving at the airport after a 12 hour flight wearing my track suit and giant owl sunglasses, because my eyes will look super puffy after all of the free chardonnay in first class.

2) Get things for free. This is one of the best parts of being famous. I've never quite understood how the people who get expensive items for free usually tend to be only people that could afford them in the first place. I will have absolutely have nothing to spend at all on anything fabulous at the start of my adventure, so I will simply have to assume that the world's financially endowed will continue their rampant generosity and willingly let me join their ranks. I am certain they will be more than happy to do the same for anyone else of my caliber.

3) Drink champagne. I will pop open a bottle and make toasts at any time I wish, for any reason at all. In addition, I am required to drink any glass of champagne someone offers me. The exceptions to this rule are that my husband has the right of override, so that he can refuse to allow me a delicious sparkling beverage if he thinks I will evacuate my stomach all over myself or drift into unconsciousness in a public location; the other exception being that I start urinating under stairs, in alleys, or in potted plants.

4) Start a trend, launch a fashion line, or create a perfume. I will choose one and move forward with real plans. More details to come at a later date.

5) Photobombing. I will find my way into nearly every picture being taken in this town. Believe it.

6) Attend 90% of social engagements I am invited to. However, I will be late and act offended if anyone doesn't know who I am. I have had to turn down most invitations to gatherings and events in the last decade, but since I now have nothing better to do, I suppose you will now be graced with my presence.

7) Document everything in a visual medium. This is fairly self-explanatory but I assure you there will be plenty of pictures and film to accompany my written accounts.

That's enough for now. It should be enough to keep my fans happy. Chelsea Lately has started and my glass is empty. Time to send my husband for a refill and contemplate my look for tomorrow.


  1. So... it's clear that you're going to be part of MTV's Real Life Portland show .... perfect fit.

  2. Apparently I'm too old for the Real World. And too real. *winky winky sad face*

  3. Now if Jersey Shore came calling, maybe perhaps?