Week in Review: Favorite Naps Countdown

After a few weeks of starting my new, fabulous lifestyle, I began to experience a strange phenomenon that at first deeply concerned me. During the day, I found myself becoming drowsy, with my eyes urging me to allow them to close for longer than their regular casual blink, and I was losing control of other assorted motor functions. This would seem to occur most often in a comfortably warm location, with soft surfaces on which I could choose to repose. It came to me one gray, misty afternoon, as I slowly began to recall a long-forgotten luxury I used to enjoy on occasion in my youth: sleeping during the day. I believe you people call it a nap.

During this last week, I endeavored to take as many naps as possible, considering I had nothing better to do, and that I really had no choice as my adrenal glands are 4000X overstimulated after living go!go!go! for 24/7/365/17. The following is a ranked order of my day sleeps with scandalous details and valuable tips for optimizing your own nap experience.

DISQUALIFIED: CAT NAP

Jerks.

Unfortunately, this nap was over before it began. I had noticed that a couple of my furry accessories quite prefer this basket as a location for their frequent respite periods. I mistakenly believed they might allow me to share the comfort of their fur-covered blankets and faintly urine-scented pillows, but no, these greedy little bastards had no room for their weary guardian.


NUMBER 3 FAVORITE NAP: COUCH

Face into the couch for maximum skin creases.

This slumber fete occurred on the shredded brown leather couch, which is now surrounded by a splendidly fur-enhanced Sure-Fit cover, so it is the closest possible experience to that of the cat nap that I could manage. I should also mention that the State of Oregon throw blanket is also completely covered in cat remnant, providing maximum warmth and odor potential.

I decided to forgo a pillow and merely placed my head against the rock-hard armrest, resulting in a very uncomfortable yet sassy head tilt for the remainder of the day. For a better sleep interval, I would recommend ear plugs so that you don't hear the ambiance of your neighborhood. Although, that means you may miss out on such wonderfully soothing sounds such as leaf blowers, the loudspeaker at the fruit outlet you can hear a block away, the extra intense car stereos, and the couple across the way at the apartments having their biweekly shouting match about money and leaving them kids alone.

RUNNER-UP FAVORITE NAP: WINERY

Stabilize yourself with pointed toes as to not roll down the hill.

Last Sunday, I spent a fine evening at a gathering for my husband's football team. This gathering happened to be at a winery, which is a perfect location for a posh WAG like myself. My footballer husband plays for an over-40 squad, a designation that means each player scores over 40 goals per season. As you can surmise, this makes me quite famous already. I will further develop this WAG identity as part of my new life.

My red vintage purse was surprisingly comfortable as a head rest for my impromptu slumber. Make certain to choose a soft portion of grass for your nap, as upon my inspection, the ground between the rows of vines themselves are dusty and that can dull even the shiniest of lip glosses. Be ware.

FAVORITE NAP: BED

A high thread count is essential.

I could immediately tell this was my favorite nap of the week, because although it had lasted a mere 30 minutes, it provided an overwhelming sign of enjoyment. Any physical activity that results in a fluid release immediately goes down as a winner in my book, I dare say. Stay hydrated, my friends.