How To Vegas Like a Bro

Ominous clouds at the Luxor pool. Obvious literal foreshadowing.

 "So my bro is over there all stupid mad about how we've only been here for a couple hours and I've already charged up his credit card. Dude, chill. There are lots of ladies lovin' the drinks and I'm an entertainer and you can't contain this, bro. You should be glad I've got these hotties ready to come back to our room for ten seconds of awesome. Serious, bro. Chill.

"Thursday in Las Vegas is epic. What happens here stays here so I don't gotta worry about anyone seeing any of this shit go down and talking about it. Especially not gossipy celebrity bitches tanning by the pool. My bros and me are ready to party ALL FUCKIN' WEEKEND. Everyone by the Luxor pool knows by now because I won't stop shouting about it.

"Anyway, my main bro that booked our room is FREAKING OUT that I've already run him up bad buying rounds for anyone that smiles at me or laughs at one of my dumb ass jokes. Oh shit... here he comes... he's talking on his phone (who does that?) to another bro who's coming down from our room for some reason... fuck... gotta go... back to the pool bar...

"This beer in an aluminum bottle is cold until it's in the sun and then it's fuckin' hot... hey girl you want one too? Just a sec, I'm busy memorizing your ass. Can I hide behind you and your friends... shit... they're still coming...

"'Hey BRO, what do you think you're doing?' My main bro shouts at me and it makes me very scared so I run away very fast. My other bro is running at me from the other side. I'm so drunk, confused and guilty I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BRO!!! Wait, I could hide in this pool. So, I jump, headfirst, into the pool.

"OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW Why didn't anyone tell me the pool was only 3 feet deep, bro?! My head feels really funny. I bet it's cuz I'm getting a hangover. I'd better drink this beer I just found at the edge of the pool. Something feels extra wet on my head, too.

"'Ohmigod, are you okay?' asks one of the hotties in a hot pink bikini. 'You should get some help.' 'I'm cool,' I tell her all suave-like only barely drooling on myself. 'I've got a beer it's all good.'

"'Um, I don't think you should be in the pool any more,' says another girl, who's staring at my head for some reason. Whatever. I slam the rest of the beer and climb out of the pool. I see my bros talking to security and uh oh time to go. Only way out of this is back in the pool. So I jump back in and hide underwater for as long as I can. Hey, where the fuck is everybody going? All the choice babes in the pool, and the dudes, and the bros, and the kids, and their parents, are all moving away from me.

"I have to come up for beer and I do and wipe off my eyes and some of the water on my face is red. Someone spill a daiquiri on me or something? Now the lifeguards are shouting something, and dudes in yellow are shouting something... just leave me alone; it's time to party ALL FUCKIN' WEEKEND! I climb out of the pool to go back to the bar and someone grabs me. 'Sir, we need you to step away from the pool. You require medical attention,' he says or some stupid shit like that. F you, dude.

"Next thing I know, I'm trying to go back to the bar and THEY WON'T LET ME GO. 'Let me go, bro,' I wail like a drunk baby. They zip tie my hands behind my back so they can look at my head and clean off the daiquiri. OOOOOWWWWWW No, shut up. I don't need stitches you can't stop this party machine BROOOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCHHHH. There's blood on my basketball jersey and I don't have a beer in my hand my life fuckin' suuuuuuccckks.

"They finally let me loose after forever and all these people fixed my head I guess so I decide to start heading for the bar again. Cut off? Whatever bro. 'You need to go back to your room for a good sleep,' says someone I'm not really listening to. They try to escort me out of the pool area but instead I make a break for it. Oh shit, they caught me. WAAAHHHHH I'm being thrown out of the resort now WAAAAAHHHH!

"If I had still been in the pool area I may have heard my bro talking to security about my removal from premises, the fact no one can get a hold of me because I had my phone in my pocket when I jumped in the pool, and no one knows what to do now ALL FUCKIN' WEEKEND since this is Thursday and we were supposed to party until Monday. I might have heard my second bro telling my main bro that he hates me but would die to give me a kidney, man. I could have seen everyone, including the hotties shaking their heads as they were retelling my epic tale to each other. Most of all, I perhaps would have seen a gossipy super famous Portland bitch that witnessed the entire thing reviewing her photos of the situation that she took over her shoulder while we weren't paying attention. But, maybe not. I wasn't there. Who knows?"

Bros: The Movie. Starring Main Bro in Red, Secondary Bro in Hat, Luxor Security, and Drunk Head Wound Bro half hidden behind Main Bro. Guest starring VIP Cat Lady herself, JKesgard. Not coming soon anywhere or anytime, thankfully.