The Vampires Have Won

I have recently come to the terrible realization that I have lost. There's nothing I can do now. They have manipulated me to help them complete their nefarious purposes and it makes me weep in utter despair. What now? What now indeed...

Those of you aware of my battles against the great pregnancy conspiracy from our vampire overlords no doubt remember the shocking mailings I received of breeder propaganda and blood sacrifice. I thought I had done all I could to avoid being enslaved by these fiends but I now realize I may be too late. Apparently, I didn't know I was pregnant and already gave birth. I wondered how I got so fat and now I know the terrible truth. The most frightening question I have is, where is the baby? But then I wonder, when did I expel it? Is it watching me? Does it live in the crawlspace? Is it mad I keep intercepting its mail?

You may be asking yourself, how does she know this? Why would she even think of this? Well, dear fans, the evidence is clear and you can see for yourself after you gaze upon what I just received in the mail:

WAT!?!

We've hit crisis level, here folks. I have now received correspondence meant for a child of at least 18 months of age. Not only did I give birth secretly against my will, but the child also has super-aged like all of the kids do on television. You have seen this frequently, I know. A television program has a character that gives birth and next season their spawn is already five and talking. Or, on a science fiction program, there is something wrong with the creature and it ages quickly on camera. Or, the kids in those pageants made up to look older actually DO look that age now. This can only mean that all children on television are portrayed by vampire babies except for the Olsen twins.

Keep your wits about you, my dears. Hypervigilance is required in times like these. Who knows how many of us have been impregnated against our will, only to birth an evil parasite that now lives in an attic or similar environs. No hell beast, I will not drive you to casting calls. I will not. Most certainly not for anything less than 60% plus expenses.