I'm an Expert Dieter Now... and You Can Be One, Too!

Notice I didn't say "diet expert". No, I'm an expert dieter. As in, I've finally learned all of the tricks that will keep me dieting for the rest of my life. Everywhere you look online, you can find people like me and they are so sort-of helpful. They are women who've been trying to lose weight for at least a decade or ten and this is kind of AWESOME.

I mean, here I was following a plan to the letter and dropping the fat poundage like cray cray (70 lbs!) when I suddenly realized a terrible truth: what happens to all my new friends when I finish losing the weight? Oops, sorry, *loosing* the weight. There, that's better. Anyway, who will I be able to whine to about my constant hunger? Who will absolve me of my binging sins? Who will suggest ridiculous uses for Laughing Cow wedges? I finally figured out that the point of online dieting forums was not to actually help anyone loose the weight but to have camaraderie forever surrounding an enduring abject failure to attain a healthy mental, emotional and physical state. Mmm... this Vitatop smothered in a melted tbsp of chocolate chips and SF strawberry preserves is YUMM-O!

As I have now unlocked Level: Expert, I feel compelled to share diet tips with you all of the time, whether you ask me or not. Please post a list of everything you eat during each meal, like I will, and I will tell you if it's okay (something I would eat), or totally not on plan (something actually probably on plan but I don't like that you loose more weight than me so I will suggest you sub some 40 calorie super preservative-laden 70 year shelf life bread for the whole grain high fiber non-GMO loaf you've been eating). BTW, I'm eating a FF yogurt sweetened with aspartame right now that will totally give me a migraine, preventing me from working out and instead giving me a cool sob story to share on the boards later.

Just for you, my dear fans, I've put together some examples of the most useful tips I've learned online. This is so that when you join a forum, board or Facebook group, you'll be more than ready to spout the latest, greatest gobbledy-gook like the rest of us. You'll be dieting like an expert, too if you follow these key points:

1. Vitatops are ambrosia from the Gods. Eat them at every opportunity. It's required. Also, grab yourself some sandwich or bagel thins, spread with a Laughing Cow wedge or FF cream cheese, add a gratuitous tomato slice and you've got lunch (along with some FF yogurt that makes you poop a lot or a 400% sugar protein shake with lots of chemical names you can't understand).
2. Have you heard about Dole Banana or Strawberry Frozen Dippers? Yum! They're an excellent choice for a 100 cal snack that won't fill you up but you're going to eat them anyway because you're not mentally or emotionally ready to lose weight. You're not really looking at food as fuel yet but as a complete crutch to save you from your sad, tedious existence so you'd better eat the whole box to be safe. Make sure to suggest them to everyone else at every opportunity on every forum you frequent so they can join you in your misery.
3. Manipulate the entire system to bend to how you want to cheat yourself. If the plan says to eat 1 c of whole wheat pasta, sub spaghetti squash. Yum! If it says 1 small personal cheese pizza, make a cauliflower crust and top it with double the cheese and add some turkey pepperoni. Yum! If it says 1 tsp olive oil, use FF spray. If it says avocado, don't eat anything at all. The point I'm trying to make here is, you have do nonsensical substitutions so that you will either not loose any weight from eating too many add-ons and you can blame the plan, or My Fitness Pal alerts you that you're not eating enough calories and you can blame the plan for giving you a slow metabolism. Either way, you win!
4. That whole container of Costco cookies isn't going to eat itself.
5. Work out way more than you're supposed to so you injure yourself and you won't be able to exercise any more. Don't let that stop you from encouraging others to do the same.
6. End every meal/snack suggestion with the following: YUM! Also, you spell "lose" as "loose" now.
7. Dr. Oz likes to talk about poop a lot. Now, so do you.
8. Post frequent pictures of: your food, your body, your old body, your children, the wedding you went to last week, the clothes you're going to buy next week, the FF popcorn on sale at the store, the PB2 you bought because now even natural peanut butter is evil for some reason, and every other damn thing you'd like to share whenever it crosses your mind because you actually think we all give a fuck.
9. Have a monthly fundraising cupcake bake sale at your place of employment so that you can look like you're loosing weight by getting everyone else fat. 
10. Whatever you do, don't ever, EVER eat any real food. It's your duty now to eat as many boxed, canned or frozen diet foods as possible to keep the industry afloat. They're banking on you becoming expert dieters and buying their products for the rest of your life.

Make absolutely certain that if you do go on a plan that encourages healing your emotional self, working with physical or medical limitations, eating healthy yet tasty foods that you cook for yourself, and exercising in realistic moderation, that you still take over the related official groups and bombard everyone with all of the processed foods, cheats, and lingo you've learned from being an expert dieter at the 20 other plans you've been on your whole life. Thank you for sharing your delightful hints, wisdom and sabotage. I've learned so much from you, the real experts. It's to ladies like you that I owe this entire post.