Monday, August 4, 2014

Springtime In Portlandia, Part One

Oh, how you've missed me, dear fans. Unfortunately for you, I've spent the last several months in an induced coma to reduce a swelled ego. Either that or it was an awesome new weight loss scheme I was researching as part of my gaining even more dieting expertise. Anyway, no matter the reason, I woke up having lost a lot more weight, so I win! The difficult part of this situation is that right before this wonderful mishap, I was out and about so much here in Portland and planning on sharing all of the details with my devotees. My memory is terribly spotty so I'm going to have to do the best I can to fill in the gaps and still do my adventures justice, while also solving the mystery of my missing time. Luckily, I found numerous pictures on my phone to help me reconstruct a narrative.

Picture 1: 

VMB main ballroom
Is this HELL?!?

This first photo is scary, but doesn't appear to contain anything coma-inducing. There are some spooky people in top hats, some hot chicks with fangs, and up on the stage we can see some lovely shadow dancers. Hmm. I'm going to need a little more help to narrow this event down.

Picture 2:

JK in white ready for a bite
My butt has a spotlight on it.
I got married again or something, but my hair is all lumpy. No, hey, I think I know what this is. If we look at the two pictures together, I'm sure I went as a sacrifice to a satanic party. Clearly. Hmm. I didn't think I'd really do that. Again.

Upon checking the date stamp, 4/12/14, I figured this was the Vampire's Masquerade Ball. I went in white because not only am I completely contrarian, but I was hoping to draw the attention of numerous terrifying bloodsuckers. Do you know how much blood weighs? You could lose a dress size or ten just based upon how hungry the undead are.

The event was as beautiful as usual but I still went home just as untouched as I have each of the other five times I've been to the ball. Maybe someday I'll finally be savagely attacked. I can only keep on hoping. I mean, even the lovely organizer of the evening complimented me on my gown instead of goring me with her ram's horns. I can't win.

Picture 3:

People spinning in the air on massive rings
I bet I could do that too if I was in really good shape, ate right, practiced a lot and was in tune with my body. Big deal.
This was one of the acts at the VMB, Night Flight Aerial. In addition to their spinning all over the sky acting all beautiful and cool and making me feel bad about myself, they don't throw up while they're up there or anything. There were other acts, like DJs that play a lot of dark stompy music and people with instruments that I know are mocking me because I gave up practicing the piano years ago, but they didn't spoil my mood. There were plenty of mirrors to look in constantly so I could keep my priorities in focus. As usual, I stayed all night and had a wonderful time even though I wasn't completely exsanguinated, but there's always next year so I can try again.

There are other pictures on my phone after this so this was definitely not what drove me comatose. I'll have to keep on looking in order to solve the mystery. Part Two of this investigation will be posted next week.

PS: Adult vampires are NOT the same thing as Vampire Babies. Not even close. Really.

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