Portland Timbers draw 2-2 with Chicago Fire and it actually was not mega boring

The date of Wednesday, July 5 signified two important events: I was back from a working vacation in Las Vegas on so very little sleep, and the Portland Timbers hosted the Chicago Fire at Providence Park. The occurrence of both events on the same day has assured even worse photo-taking and snark than usual. The match ended in a 2-all draw and was not without excitement; unfortunately, you will see none of that here. There is nothing but sadness and gloom abound. It is best you turn back now unless you are a glutton for punishment.

For even more tedious coverage, slog your way through Kip Kesgard's pablum here.

"...But one of these men is doing his own thing; now it's time to play our game..."

Zemanski can't unsee Valentin's hair or what's living in it.

There's always time for a paper football field goal.

"G-G-G-G-G-GHOST!"

He's too big, you see. You have no choice but to hold on tight with both hands. All the time. No choice.

Valeri: "Hold still. You've got something on your back. I'll get it."

"MMM-mmm... that was a DELICIOUS cookie."

I'm in the middle. I paid a ball kid to take this shot.

Inhalers up, for the Rose City. Inhalers up...

Snap out of it. Join the next group hug. Fold a paper football and send it at Valentin. Take deep breaths. Eat a cookie.

These 14 photos of Portland Timbers vs. San Jose Earthquakes will restore your faith in humanity

This edition of snarktography will leave you speechless and/or make you lose your mind. Maybe.
On Friday, June 2, the San Jose Earthquakes visited Providence Park and were defeated 2-0 by Diego Valeri and some other guys. Kip Kesgard wrote some blah blah blah about it here (with more of my pics). The following are sillier images from the evening, accompanied by SHOCKING comments. We dare you to click on them; what happens next will change your life (or just make them bigger).

"Payment, please."

Surprise cartwheel!

 

 

 

 

 

"There it is." Oh really? Thanks Chara.

"Piss off, Wondo."

"How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"

Well, it was about time somebody did something.

"No hugs for you."

The smoke is lovely to look at but it's why I stay on the south side of the park.

"Can I have my leg back now?"

Part one. Adi: "I swear, this has never happened to me before."

Part two. Bernardez: "Hey man, don't sweat it. It happens to all of us at some point."

Part 3. Valeri: "Not to me."

Insert Tetris theme here.

"Sweetheart, we can let him have this one. We already have so many at home."

Portland Timbers defeat Vancouver Whitecaps 2-1, snarktography lives

That Alaska ad. LOLZ

Last Saturday, April 22, I sat next to the pitch at Providence Park, drenched by a torrential downpour. Well, I did one minute, and then I was roasted alive in the next minute. This alternation of torture continued for hours. I didn't know how I was going to survive. Fortunately for you I did survive, and my photographs did as well. I have evidence the Timbers beat the Whitecaps 2-1, and didn't look entirely terrible doing so. Please enjoy the ridiculousness of my brand of Timbers coverage, and perhaps if you want something more serious, you could look at the match recap at Kip Kesgard's site.

Click the images for larger versions.

It's obvious Ridgewell is volunteering to be my new muse. (Jewsbury who?)

It didn't take long for things to get weird.

Valeri has a strange-looking shadow.

Olum hopes he's not too late to join the human Voltron.

Do mind the elbow, Ridgy.

"Hey! Get this ball off my head!"

"No, I'm not chanting along with them, but I can't say I disagree with the message."

The Whitecaps are thrilled they didn't have to cause the contact for once.

A rare moment: Valeri's not being assaulted.

"It's okay; I got this."

Hooray!

Bonus image: What are they looking at? Suggestions?

Previous Snarktography from this season:

April 2, Timbers vs. Revolution

April 15, Timbers vs. Sporting (NONE. THE MATCH WAS BOOOOORING)

Portland Timbers draw 1-1 with New England Revolution, snarktography returns

Nice.

Last Sunday night, April 2, the Timbers hosted the Revolution at Providence Park, in a competition to see who could frustrate the supporters more. Portland effortlessly brought everyone up to a brilliant high, culminating with Diego Valeri's lovely golazo, but then they faltered in a lackluster second half effort. New England just flopped all over the place, which resulted in the fans' chorus of groans and boos replacing the typically frenetic Timbers Army singalong. Although I had predicted an outright loss, this underwhelming draw gives off much the same feeling. How do we cope with this disappointment? Terrible pictures with horrible captions!

I previously exhibited my "snarktography" at another media outlet, but now it has come home to my own ridiculous lifestyle blog. As usual, other more serious photographs accompany Kip Kesgard's Timbers write-ups at kipkesgard.com. As for the silly, let us begin... (click on each for larger images)

"You guys aren't laughing at my hair, are you?"

"No, why?"

"I have a bad feeling about this match."

In the center background, scarf guy gave some really bad taffy to the lady. That older gentleman is chastising him.

Balls.

Giant Nagbe sees what you did there.

Stott calls a foul on the smoke.

Dat booty tho.

 1/2 "He wasn't even anywhere near it. He was like this far away. Like, why didn't you stop it?"

2/2 "Nah, we're not talking about you."

8 seconds 'til glory.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Guzmán: "Are you okay?"  Adi: "Braaaaaiiins..."

Troesma.

Yeah, I really don't know what's going on here. Caption suggestions encouraged.