Friday, October 12, 2012

Impostors! Scandal! Drugs! Entitlement!

It's come to my attention that a most egregious crime is afoot, as someone has been attempting to impersonate me on the internet and allege some horrific claims. My dear fans, let me assure you that my personal presence on the internet medium is to be increased from this moment forward, as when my absence is noticeable, that's when my impostor makes itself known. Fear not, I will clarify numerous points for you so that you may determine at any time if indeed you are hearing from me, or the devious rascal claiming to be me. How this deviant found a way to use my Twitter account when I leave it logged in all the time with my Firefox browser window open and my computer logged in by fingerprint I shall never know.

The misconceptions refuted and my personal goals upheld and expanded:
  • The rapscallion claims that I have once again become employed in the noble pursuit of educating children, incredibly enough mainly in the sciences and arts. My tears of embarrassment well up merely at the mention of such a notion, as I gave up that endeavor long ago, when the development of our youth no longer seemed as important to me as doing body shots of Goldschlager. I'm sure you can empathize with my plight. Please, if you hear about me performing any sort of noble deeds, please take them with a grain of salt, and tequila and lime.
  • My lack of updates is most definitely not due to new employment or being otherwise occupied with various activities, it can solely be attributed to my discovery of a fabulous new drug upon which I have become immediately dependent. Called "The Cet", "Zert Magic" or "SneezSlepe", this concoction has done more to encourage an out-of-body experience than anything I've ever tried. Within an hour of ingestion, I am already feeling myself lulled to sleep by any repetitive sound such as a clock ticking, cats meowing, or the dulcet tones of a leaf blower. I'm out like a light. Brilliant. I wake up not knowing where I am, who I am, or why I have an amazingly powerful nosebleed. Miraculously, I have noticed a stop to my sore throats and sneezing fits; what wonderful side effects! My dealer charges exorbitant fees for this drug so one day when he wasn't looking I found a bottle of it amongst his personal items and the medical name is Cetirizine. If any of my fans could hook me up with a cheaper dealer I would appreciate it.
  • I was in the deliberation stage of adding a new goal to my Rules of Engagement, that of aiming to be re-tweeted by a reality star, when my shameless impersonator accomplished that very goal with something I NEVER would have said. Adrianne Curry, 1st Top Model Winner and now undoubtedly my biggest fan, RT'd a statement regarding patriarchal oppression in religion. My true fans know that I would never had uttered such a statement, knowing that I have no interest in discriminating against religions by telling them to stay out of my life and basic rights. I welcome your control of my lady parts, because as soon as I am mega rich I won't have to worry about it any more anyway. I just have to find an old white guy to bankroll me and society's rules no longer apply to my life. I don't understand why other women haven't come to this conclusion, either. If you are pretty and he buys you lots of sparklies, remember to vote against rights that poorer women might want because it will motivate them to find an old rich white guy, too. We all win. Hooray sparklies!
  • In relation to the last point, I must take a moment to discuss entitlement as my impostor has an unfortunate liberal conspiracy agenda (and is probably a communist socialist). During this election season, I have come to the realization that I would be far more successful as an adult if I hadn't been given the entitlements of reduced school lunch or the gluttonous amounts of rice, milk, and actual government cheese when I was a child. I would have been far more motivated to make something of myself, working even more than the two jobs at a time, if I had been taught the important lesson of starvation. Of course my parents were working incredibly hard to support us, but it clearly wasn't enough because the children beating me up for wearing thrift store clothes were not impressed. If only my parents had found a way to either become job creators or receive the blessings of one and buy me designer clothes back then. Of course, I prayed constantly during this time for us not to live in a decrepit house with mostly non-functional heat, but I must have been sinning in some yet unknown way to not deserve the basic things in life. I am reminded every day on Facebook that I am immensely blessed to have the opportunity to vote for a lack of change to continue and to in fact expand these horrific circumstances for today's youth, because what an exceptional motivator utter despair truly is. 
As an addendum, please enjoy this look into my current redecoration hobby. I have been watching a lot of reality TV shows and one constant I have come to understand is that no one ever puts anything away when they move into the mansion/beach house/castle and they just leave everything out all over the floor and beds. You clear a patch on the bed when you bring someone back to smush or clear a path on the floor when you need to get to the bathroom to vomit or sit on the toilet with the door open. I've been making progress on the bedroom and I'm quite proud.

The biggest mess of a bedroom
I'm available for decorating consultation; email me anytime.

2 comments:

  1. Where's The Birth CertificateOctober 12, 2012 at 6:15 PM

    Shut up.

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    1. You're an inspiration to me. Please, tell me more or allow me to subscribe to your newsletter.

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