Saturday, March 7, 2015

Ask Me Questions Because I Know Everything

As much as I enjoy doling out unsolicited advice to nearly everyone I see, I'd prefer scaling back to a more regular, in-depth advice arrangement.

Starting immediately, I require your questions, queries and crises in my inbox, at YoursTruly@JKesgard.com. Through this medium, I will likely be able to show off even more of my expertise in everything, while being able to profit off of my sad little fans, as well.

For a special treat, I'm going to post a couple of examples I've received randomly in the last couple weeks. This should serve as an enticing preview of what's to come on a more regular basis.

DEAR J. KESGARD,

I moved into my house more than 16 months ago and my neighbors had the audacity to try to introduce themselves to me. I heard you may have some expertise in this area. Anyway, after all this time of barely acknowledging their existence, the woman next door smiled at me last week. I was outside with my family and she was carrying something out her door when our eyes met. She looked up and smiled and I have never felt so violated. I made sure to turn and face her directly, staring, unblinking, with cold distaste. Was this response appropriate? Or should I set fire to their trash cans?

Sincerely, 
Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

DEAR ANGTFT,

Yes, I do have experience with this topic, so you've come to the right place. However, it sounds like you're doing a great job on your own. The trash fire is a brilliant idea, as long as you make sure to put some of your trash in it first, too. Like baby diapers, cigarette butts, anything else pungently grotesque. It's clear they haven't gotten the message so you need to up the volume. Politeness is for the weak.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard

*****

DEAR J. KESGARD,

Who's going to win the Timbers home opener?

From,
Timbers #2 Fan

Dear #2,

Timbers 2, RSL 0. That one nasty RSL dude with the dreads is going to get all tangled up in his own hairy mess while the Timbers Beard Squad (replacing the Great Crumbled Wall of Gambia), will emerge from their caves and scare everyone else off of the ball. Whichever Timbers scoring dudes are least terrified to hang around and get the ball from the bearded warriors will earn goals for the day. I have written this so it has to happen now. However, if I'm wrong you can blame it on the fact I am the worst at this stuff.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard

*****

Dear Mommy,

Have you gotten any more mail for me lately? Put it on the dining room table, okay?

Thanks,
Your Vampire Baby

Dear Vampire Baby,

You terrify me but I'm glad you have confirmed your existence. I have already tried to prove your existence at other junctures, but this is the most conclusive. I wish you would move out already because the utilities are getting ridiculous. I threw out your mail but I kept a picture to remember what your name is, Waldo. Now get out.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard

*****

As you can tell, I'm really good at this so write to me all the time. I'm sure you'd like getting some first class advice for your peasant problems for once.

4 comments:

  1. Dear J. Kesgard,
    I just pooped and peed a little in my yoga pants. I would like to go for the trifecta and add a slight amount of hurl. The problem is that every time I get my face close the smell reflexively drives me away. HELP!
    Yours Truly,
    Sue Lee

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Sue Lee,
    This question is too pressing of an issue for me to wait to make a post about it. I simply must answer your concern RIGHT NOW.
    It seems like the contents of your yoga trousers would help you complete the trifecta in itself, and that your instinct to remove yourself from danger is the culprit. If you cannot overcome your evolution, you have no choice but to go on craigslist and hire someone to hold your pants over your head, no matter how hard you try to get away. In fact, you may find someone willing to pay YOU for the honor (and isn't that a perk!). Unfortunately, we may also discover that you are never heard from again after meeting someone from craigslist, but I have no problem with that outcome, you dirty peasant.
    Love,
    J. Kesgard

    ReplyDelete
  3. J. Kesgard,
    Thank u for the advise. some get on my nose and the jus came! More than I wan't, but hey, workd out. My outfit totaly payed of at the walmart! TWO GUY axed me for my number!
    I will never ferget you,
    Sue Lee

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Sue Lee,
    Some more advice: lay off the jenkem and stop shopping at Walmart.
    Yours Truly,
    J. Kesgard

    ReplyDelete