These 14 photos of Portland Timbers vs. San Jose Earthquakes will restore your faith in humanity

This edition of snarktography will leave you speechless and/or make you lose your mind. Maybe.
On Friday, June 2, the San Jose Earthquakes visited Providence Park and were defeated 2-0 by Diego Valeri and some other guys. Kip Kesgard wrote some blah blah blah about it here (with more of my pics). The following are sillier images from the evening, accompanied by SHOCKING comments. We dare you to click on them; what happens next will change your life (or just make them bigger).

"Payment, please."

Surprise cartwheel!

 

 

 

 

 

"There it is." Oh really? Thanks Chara.

"Piss off, Wondo."

"How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"

Well, it was about time somebody did something.

"No hugs for you."

The smoke is lovely to look at but it's why I stay on the south side of the park.

"Can I have my leg back now?"

Part one. Adi: "I swear, this has never happened to me before."

Part two. Bernardez: "Hey man, don't sweat it. It happens to all of us at some point."

Part 3. Valeri: "Not to me."

Insert Tetris theme here.

"Sweetheart, we can let him have this one. We already have so many at home."

Portland Timbers defeat Vancouver Whitecaps 2-1, snarktography lives

That Alaska ad. LOLZ

Last Saturday, April 22, I sat next to the pitch at Providence Park, drenched by a torrential downpour. Well, I did one minute, and then I was roasted alive in the next minute. This alternation of torture continued for hours. I didn't know how I was going to survive. Fortunately for you I did survive, and my photographs did as well. I have evidence the Timbers beat the Whitecaps 2-1, and didn't look entirely terrible doing so. Please enjoy the ridiculousness of my brand of Timbers coverage, and perhaps if you want something more serious, you could look at the match recap at Kip Kesgard's site.

Click the images for larger versions.

It's obvious Ridgewell is volunteering to be my new muse. (Jewsbury who?)

It didn't take long for things to get weird.

Valeri has a strange-looking shadow.

Olum hopes he's not too late to join the human Voltron.

Do mind the elbow, Ridgy.

"Hey! Get this ball off my head!"

"No, I'm not chanting along with them, but I can't say I disagree with the message."

The Whitecaps are thrilled they didn't have to cause the contact for once.

A rare moment: Valeri's not being assaulted.

"It's okay; I got this."

Hooray!

Bonus image: What are they looking at? Suggestions?

Previous Snarktography from this season:

April 2, Timbers vs. Revolution

April 15, Timbers vs. Sporting (NONE. THE MATCH WAS BOOOOORING)

Portland Timbers draw 1-1 with New England Revolution, snarktography returns

Nice.

Last Sunday night, April 2, the Timbers hosted the Revolution at Providence Park, in a competition to see who could frustrate the supporters more. Portland effortlessly brought everyone up to a brilliant high, culminating with Diego Valeri's lovely golazo, but then they faltered in a lackluster second half effort. New England just flopped all over the place, which resulted in the fans' chorus of groans and boos replacing the typically frenetic Timbers Army singalong. Although I had predicted an outright loss, this underwhelming draw gives off much the same feeling. How do we cope with this disappointment? Terrible pictures with horrible captions!

I previously exhibited my "snarktography" at another media outlet, but now it has come home to my own ridiculous lifestyle blog. As usual, other more serious photographs accompany Kip Kesgard's Timbers write-ups at kipkesgard.com. As for the silly, let us begin... (click on each for larger images)

"You guys aren't laughing at my hair, are you?"

"No, why?"

"I have a bad feeling about this match."

In the center background, scarf guy gave some really bad taffy to the lady. That older gentleman is chastising him.

Balls.

Giant Nagbe sees what you did there.

Stott calls a foul on the smoke.

Dat booty tho.

 1/2 "He wasn't even anywhere near it. He was like this far away. Like, why didn't you stop it?"

2/2 "Nah, we're not talking about you."

8 seconds 'til glory.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Guzmán: "Are you okay?"  Adi: "Braaaaaiiins..."

Troesma.

Yeah, I really don't know what's going on here. Caption suggestions encouraged.

Area Woman Disappears, Reappears

When I first started this entry about 11 months ago, it was about my cat bite hospital stay. It was going to be tongue-in-cheek, like everything else in this blog, to help me deal with the pain and move on. I tried to settle myself, catch my breath and deal, but then another thing happened. And then another. My favorite method of dealing with difficulty is humor, but it takes time before the event can be funny. When I didn't get a break, nothing was amusing. None of it still is. However, I wanted to get all of it out, clear out the negativity, and sort it so I can move on. This isn't to garner any sympathy; I'm merely hoping that maybe, if you have a friend out there you haven't heard from in a while, you might want to check on them, to see if they are okay. A quick tweet, text, call or email just to say hello can make a difference. We all have struggles from time to time and it can be difficult to reach out for help. Knowing that someone out there misses you and gives a shit is significant in the healing process.

Anyway, instead of a long winded explanation of my personal tragedies, I'm just going to post a picture relevant to each event from throughout the last 11 months with a quick comment. And then hopefully this will all be over and I will win Powerball and Mega Millions and go to Europe and drink lots of wine forever.

My 18-year-old blind, asshole Tuxedo cat bit through my hand in March 2015. Off to the ER to spend all of our money.

The antibiotic from the ER didn't work. My hand tripled in size. I was admitted to hospital for Spring Break. Good times.

I was supposed to go to the Spring Beer and Wine Fest. I couldn't because the antibiotics weren't out of my system yet. While I was home, my formerly feral 15-year-old Broots, whom I'd bottle fed as a kitten, threw a clot from a heart condition and lost use of his eyes and back legs. We went to the vet and had to say goodbye.

The doctors told me I would have abdominal distress after being on so many antibiotics. I took probiotics but my abdomen kept getting more gassy and excruciatingly painful. And then I grew a beard. And then my abdomen started growing, too.

So, it turns out my left ovary had decided to grow as big as a cantaloupe and try busting out of my lower abdomen, causing lots of systemic and hormonal problems. It needed to be removed immediately by an oncologist, because it might have been cancerous. Thankfully, it wasn't; it was an endometrioma. It still cost a shit-ton of money and lots of wonderful people I can never thank enough donated a lot of their hard-earned cash to get us out of trouble. I'm still humbled and amazed by it all.

The day after I got home from my surgery, I received a grand jury summons. I went to the jury room a month later, my abdomen still recovering, and ha ha ha, I was chosen. I wanted to start getting back into shape following the endometrioma ordeal, but the universe decided instead I should sit on my ass for a month and listen to stories about some of the worst people in our community. It was very interesting, but very emotionally draining at the same time. 

After the ovary removal, the surgeons said I had about six months left to try having a baby, because the odds were that my other ovary would develop the same problem. I didn't feel anywhere near well enough yet but they wanted us to get on it right away. Months ticked by without any good news, until I talked to some friends who encouraged us to go on vacation. We scraped together a few bucks to go away at Christmas time. When we got back, lo and behold...

I made an appointment with my GP for a pregnancy confirmation. As I was getting ready to leave, our dear calico Daisy had a terrible, violent seizure, and lost all of her faculties. Kip took her to the vet as I went to the doctor. I got a positive pregnancy confirmation at the moment Daisy was being put to sleep. I wish I could say even one more time, "Get the fuck down from there, Daisy!" Too many emotions in one day.

I didn't take a photo on this day. It was only a couple weeks ago. Women still don't talk much about miscarriage, even though it's common; I wish it was a little less common for me, personally. I had problems years ago with holding on to pregnancies, but that had been attributed to the previously undiagnosed celiac disease. This miscarriage was different, likely because of all the psycho-level stress. My midwife had entirely different advice moving forward than the doomsayer surgeons did. I'm getting myself back to health and not worrying about another ovary explosion. We'll just have to see what happens and deal with it then. I joke about vampire babies but I would love a healthy parasite of my own.

I'll end on this note: we all have surface public lives and deep private ones. Sometimes they cross over. If you don't think you're seeing enough from someone, don't chastise or ignore them for not going to your party or pub night or poetry reading or dinner party or team function, etc. Maybe they're dealing with something. It doesn't hurt to ask or just say hi. I had some good friends and my boss be very supportive during this time and it meant a lot.

My next blog entry won't be this serious. I hope. I have some more terribly wicked gym stories that need to be told.

February 2017 Update:
I'm not doing a republish on this. I'm only adding a few other details about why I haven't written anything since this last entry. I'm close, though.
Since this was published...

• I lost my job of four years due to some unfortunate events. Wasn't my fault. My boss and co-workers all suffered the same fate. School politics are shit.
• I lost another pregnancy in the middle of the summer. I had thought my job loss was okay because I was having a baby, but, no go.
• I was photographing a Timbers match and ended up with a severe allergic reaction to the goal smoke. I normally had asthmatic reactions to it but dealt with it; this time it got in my eye and I could have lost it. It was so red and inflamed so fast. I had to take 4x the normal dose of eye antibiotic, and some pill antibiotics. I was instructed by my medical professional to never get near that smoke again if I want to keep my eyes. FML. March 2017 addendum: If I want to go to the matches, I have to stay in the south deck and never wear my contacts. I hate taking pictures with my glasses but I'm going to give it a go. We'll see what happens.
• I slipped down the stairs in my house and popped out a rib. Don't wear slippy socks on your hardwood stairs, kids.
• I started having bad hot flashes, insomnia, daily headaches, acne, mood swings, etc. The remaining ovary is farting out early, it seems. Menopause?!? Hormone pills to the rescue!

April 2017 Update:
Eye doctor overrode GP, says I can wear my contacts in the south deck, but told me to remove them and use an eye wash he gave me in case I get exposed to the smoke at the matches. Much better option. Thank you Dr. Miller.

March 2018 Update:
It took me a lot longer to adjust to the menopausal symptoms and hormone replacement than I thought. Simultaneously dealing with that and having to come to terms with really REALLY never being able to have children was soul crushing. I'm only just now feeling slightly back to like myself. Ugh.

Ask Me Questions Because I Know Everything

As much as I enjoy doling out unsolicited advice to nearly everyone I see, I'd prefer scaling back to a more regular, in-depth advice arrangement.

Starting immediately, I require your questions, queries and crises in my inbox, at YoursTruly@JKesgard.com. Through this medium, I will likely be able to show off even more of my expertise in everything, while being able to profit off of my sad little fans, as well.

For a special treat, I'm going to post a couple of examples I've received randomly in the last couple weeks. This should serve as an enticing preview of what's to come on a more regular basis.

DEAR J. KESGARD,

I moved into my house more than 16 months ago and my neighbors had the audacity to try to introduce themselves to me. I heard you may have some expertise in this area. Anyway, after all this time of barely acknowledging their existence, the woman next door smiled at me last week. I was outside with my family and she was carrying something out her door when our eyes met. She looked up and smiled and I have never felt so violated. I made sure to turn and face her directly, staring, unblinking, with cold distaste. Was this response appropriate? Or should I set fire to their trash cans?

Sincerely, 
Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

DEAR ANGTFT,

Yes, I do have experience with this topic, so you've come to the right place. However, it sounds like you're doing a great job on your own. The trash fire is a brilliant idea, as long as you make sure to put some of your trash in it first, too. Like baby diapers, cigarette butts, anything else pungently grotesque. It's clear they haven't gotten the message so you need to up the volume. Politeness is for the weak.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard

*****

DEAR J. KESGARD,

Who's going to win the Timbers home opener?

From,
Timbers #2 Fan

Dear #2,

Timbers 2, RSL 0. That one nasty RSL dude with the dreads is going to get all tangled up in his own hairy mess while the Timbers Beard Squad (replacing the Great Crumbled Wall of Gambia), will emerge from their caves and scare everyone else off of the ball. Whichever Timbers scoring dudes are least terrified to hang around and get the ball from the bearded warriors will earn goals for the day. I have written this so it has to happen now. However, if I'm wrong you can blame it on the fact I am the worst at this stuff.

Yours Truly,
J. Kesgard

*****

Dear Mommy,

Have you gotten any more mail for me lately? Put it on the dining room table, okay?

Thanks,

Your Vampire Baby

Dear Vampire Baby,

You terrify me but I'm glad you have confirmed your existence. I have already tried to prove your existence at other junctures, but this is the most conclusive. I wish you would move out already because the utilities are getting ridiculous. I threw out your mail but I kept a picture to remember what your name is, Waldo. Now get out.

Yours Truly,

J. Kesgard

*****

As you can tell, I'm really good at this so write to me all the time. I'm sure you'd like getting some first class advice for your peasant problems for once.

This Week in Gresham

Looking to go out-and-about in fabulous Gresham this week and just don't know where to start? Have no fear, you only need to take a look at our new comprehensive guide to discover the hottest happenings in Portland's stylish suburb paradise.

NEW PUBLIC ART INSTALLATION

Local artist reminiscent of international icon Banksy

Gresham residents have been treated to a stimulating new educational art installment located on the border of the Rockwood Neighborhood. For a limited time, Man's Greatest Achievement is available for viewing by critics, the public and school field trips. With a focus on anatomical science, this masterpiece delights the eyes and the intellect!

Cost: Free

Hours: All, Sun-Sat

Other: Photo opportunities, ample neighborhood parking, public transit accessible, suitable for all ages.

*****

FREE LUNCHTIME CONCERTS

Bark while in park.

Fridays are free concert days this spring in Wilkes East! The up-and-coming musical act, Rampent Neglekt, has been surprising Gresham residents with vibrant impromptu performances.

The talented vocalist relies on elevated-volume, classic blues melodies accompanied by the endless clanking of an idling diesel engine. You'll never know when and where this innovative act will appear next so keep your eyes--and ears--peeled!

Cost: Free

Location: Construction zone on the border of Portland/Gresham

Hours: Approximately 12:00 noon, performance duration 90-120 minutes

Other: Squirrel Circus opening act, food encouraged, not suitable for cats.

*****

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED

Gresham Independent Pharmaceutical Distributors are seeking participants for an upcoming drug trial of a newly-found medication.* This exciting development could revolutionize the pharmaceutical industry, and we need your help!
You too could earn a generous daily stipend of 144 aluminum cans if you qualify. Contact us today.

Age requirement: Be 35-85, or just look like it.

Location: Outside that apartment complex on Glisan that always smells like weed and has cop cars parked around the corner.

Hours: Every day after dark

Transportation: Plenty of bicycle w/attached child trailer parking.

*Newly-found medication actually discovered outside as pictured on grass next to curb. Some words on packaging changed to protect patent holder.